Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Facebook Stock Tumbles as Mark Zuckerberg’s Bebo Page Found

Stocks in social networking site Facebook have suffered their biggest losses ever this last week with the discovery of founder Mark Zuckerberg’s ill-designed and gif-heavy Bebo page.

Idle internet user Penelope Delve was the person who uncovered the profile of the millionaire software mogul. “I was just waiting for reddit to update with some more comics about kittens or bukkake or something when it occurred to me to check my old bebo account. God, that thing was ancient. I saw all my old correspondences and photos, so embarrassing. Then, for a laugh i searched fro ‘Mark Zuckerberg’. When there was a profile I was sure it was some prank, but I sent a friend request, he accepted me and it’s totally actually him. Christ, but his profile’s an atrocity”

The garish profile, which contains personal information, messages between real friends of Zuckerberg, and a redesigned skin that makes any text on the page an absolute nightmare to read was investigated and vetted by the internet hivemind once Delve linked to the profile through her twitter account.

Describing the profile, Delve has stated; “The most shocking thing is how badly designed that thing is. You go on it, and once it loads this godawful song starts up which is done, of course, by his shit band that he wants you to hear. And of course you have to tell him it’s good. You have to scroll down to find the player and pause it every single time you go on it.”

“And that’s without all those gifs of fireworks going off and smiley faces waving dotted around the place. The first thing that greeted me as I went on was this huge animated slogan- some quote from an Edgar Allan Poe poem, surrounded by all these gifs of ravens and moons. I’m sure you’re terribly deep but it takes an age to load every single time.”

“Another thing; I swear I was scrolling down to see the actual comments on his ‘wall’ for about three minutes because first I had to wade through about a hundred retarded quizzes he’d taken. I don’t want to be insensitive but I don’t need to know that if he were a pokemon he’d be Bulbasaur or that if he were a smallville character he’d be Chloe Sullivan or that his moodstone (whatever the fuck that is) would be an onyx.”

“And oh, the polls. So many polls. I had forgotten about the pleas for ‘love’ too. Somehow a request for a thumbs up feels austere and dignified next to this whorish scrambling for lovehearts.”

Zuckerberg has been quick to defend his actions; “Well excuse me if I like my page to actually express who I am. I don’t want to be just one of a billion annonymous pages. I want to have little pieces of my personality in there. Don’t tell me what to do; I could buy and sell all of you insects.”

Zuckerberg has refused to delete the account, but because of companywide protests he has at least removed an incredibly long quiz about himself that takes up about a quarter of the page

Felix Prenderghast

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