Friday, 2 December 2011

Apple Invent First Pro-Life A.I

Computing titan Apple has come under criticism for their development and release of a pro-life voice activated iPhone app called Siri. The application which is an all purpose personal secretary has been reported to withold requests for direction to abortion clinics, instead referring the user to either a pregnancy advice centre, the nearest church or in some cases, the gates of Hell.

Apple spokesperson Byron Delacroux responded “You’re god damned right it does.”

Delacroux continued; “Apple’s been a fervently pro-life company since its inception. it was just Steve who was reluctant to shine a light on that part of our ideology. The sleek aesthetic, the user friendly interface, our insistence on naming our advice desk the ‘genius bar’ even though that’s obnoxious- those were all things Steve was fine with talking about but whenever abortion legislation came up he skirted around the issue for some reason”

“He said he didn’t want to be contentious. But that didn’t stop us from designing a network of successful and popular technologies with a fervent opposition to in-utero murder built into the foundations of their binary-code souls.”

Siri is the newest hugely successful app available on the iPhone 4S. It’s an advanced voice recognition program able to follow many basic commands such as setting alarms, giving directions, sending messages and setting reinders. “Just forget about jettisoning your damn mistakes, you slut”, said Delacroux

“Hell, the legal status of foetuses is the reason for our beef with those liberal baby killers over there at Flash. Why did you think none of our products were compatible with them? Because it was convenient? That wasn’t convenient for anyone. No. I met the guys behind that media player back in the late 90s and found out their position on state sanctioned infanticide- yeah I said infanticide- and they were all about the ‘woman’s right to choose’ and all that nonsense. Well, we sure showed them”

“If you think Siri’s intrusive, you haven’t seen anything yet. The boys in the lab are working on a global media providing and monitoring AI called Aquinus. It’s in the development stages just now but when we implement that thing it’ll make clever little siri look like an abacus that loves foetuses. And what are you going to do? Not buy apple gadgets? Ha! Look at how shiny and easy to use they are. Each one feels artisan made, not like that disposable stem cell research advocating lot over at microsoft”

“You brazen hussy”

The anti- abortion prejudice built into all Apple products is only now coming to the surface. Mac user and Motown and Blues lover Phillip Luncarty told us: “I had always wondered why some of my collection didn’t transfer into iTunes when I put my collection on there. I’d put on my Temptations compendium and ‘Since I Lost My Baby’ would be missing. Same with that Lowell Fulson song ‘Reconsider Baby’ I just figured I was using it wrong, formatting or something. No, things are really falling into place now. On the flipside ‘Baby please Don’t Go’ by Big Joe Williams and ‘I Can’t Quit You Baby’ by Otis Rush come on every second song when I put it on shuffle. i just never thought there was some kind of algorithm was trying to program me. I feel foolish now. And I’m beginning to question my own involvement in those marches and clinic firebombings to be honest.”

Technology experts are trying to remove the pro-life bias in Siri, though Apple is imposing an injunction on any such action

Felix Prenderghast
Senior Features Correspondent

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