Friday, 30 December 2011

Iraq ‘Perfectly Stable’ Claims Man Who is on Fire

After nine years of conflict and occupation by British and American forces, a newly independent Iraq is now looking toward a future of unbridled harmony, claims a man wreathed in flame yesterday.

The Iraqi spokesman, who burst into a live broadcast on Al Jazeera yesterday while visibly bleeding and alarmingly ablaze attempted to quell rumours that the unstable area was falling into chaos after a series of three bomb blasts claimed many lives.

The man claimed; “Our glorious new democratic Iraq has celebrated its freedom by setting off three impromptu fireworks displays in crowded markets in the middle of the day. That is all. Everything is fine. Please do not return to our country.”

The man on fire continued: “These displays have been planned by one of the dozen or so groups in Iraq who are thrilled at the new opportunities that the American departure from the turbulent area presents. The fireworks displays, could perhaps have been planned better since they have killed roughly sixty bystanders but the intention was always simply to mark the celebratory mood of the country. We are sure that the other bystanders were enthralled by this colourful and large impromptu displays of awakened national pride mounted from inside derelict cars”

Despite the assurances of the unnamed and partially cooked spokesman, many feel that the recent departure of remaining American forces has left a power vacuum that could be filled by one of the many terrorist or militia organisations in the notoriously unstable region. However according to sources cowering under desks every time there is a loud bang outside, this attitude is unwarranted as most of the violent demonstrations are simply overzealous celebrations that should have nothing read into them.

“Of course nobody has reported on the Catherine Wheels or barbecues pits we have out here. It’s just a big, old party. It’ll be over soon and you will hear no such reports of dissent or murder from us. Pay no heed.”

“We are told this is simply the tip of the iceberg and many know that our country will soon be lit up by similar displays as the country celebrates its bright future of untrammelled democracy and peace after such a long period of bloodshed and despotism. So don’t worry.”

Shortly after the departure of the man who was on fire, Al Jazeera has been said to have received a tape from the anonymous group of revellers, promising that soon the entire country would be ‘ablaze’ with similar celebrations, promising that “The fires we set will reach the face of Allah, telling him that our land is free of the infidel forces, ready to be reclaimed by his chosen people”, though Iraqi sources are claiming that this is largely in reference to a big buffet and a ceilidh that is planned for some time next week..

Commenting on the broadcast, President Barack Obama who has recently overseen the withdrawal of troops commented to CNN that it “seemed legit” and there was “no reason to suspect an upcoming bloody civil war.”


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