Monday, 19 December 2011

Hilary Devey Slain By Brave Knight

The millionaire entrepreneur and star of Dragon’s Den, Hilary Devey was slain yesterday following a protracted fight with a band of brave knights that had been charged with the task of ridding the county of her dread blight.

The shipping magnate, who had been killing livestock in the dead of night and demanding a sacrificial virgin at the start of each Harvest season in her Staffordshire home, was finally bested when the honoured knight Gallias drove his lance into her soft underbelly as she reared up to deliver a killing blow after several hours of mortal combat that saw seven other gallant knights fall.

Addressing the rejoicing villagers who had posted a bounty on Devey’s head, Gallias was heard to say; “This victory is for my fallen brothers. They fought well, they fought with the hearts of lions, they fought like true Englishmen and they will be remembered in the halls of their fathers! We do this not for the adventure, not for glory, nor for the maidens, but rather we do this to tackle the evil that lies in our lands, devouring all that is good, striking fear into the downtrodden.”

Devey, whose delivery company Pall-Ex has reportedly earned her over £100mil, had recently retired from direct control of her company, choosing instead to line a large cave with gold doubloons and the mouldering skeletons of weak mortals. However, this move and her new dedication to spreading terror had brought her in direct conflict with the villagers who lived in the shadow of the mountain in which she lived.

“At first it was alright having someone rich and famous around these here parts” claims local farmer Tony Montana, “but then there come this blight of livestock killings. Sheep turned inside out, like a beast got at ‘em and this screeching coming from her mountainside in the night. It wasn’t long before she started to demand sacrifices from us.”

The village is thought to have posted a plea for help and a bounty of all of the silver that they could scrape together in early August, but despite the efforts of some intrepid adventurers Devey’s reign over east Staffordshire and UK express parcel distribution remained firm.

All this has changed though, with Gallius’s victory. Clad in plate armour and with the help of a sturdy and enchanted shield the knight was able to wear down the stamina of the fierce entrepreneur and finally pierce her black heart with his Father’s lance- a lance handed down to him after his father died in a pitched battle with Devey some years ago.

The knight, rejecting all proffered rewards, claimed to be heading into the frozen North to face off against a gloomy spirit known to reside in Scotland; the eldritch fitness club magnate Bah-Nah-Tyne


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