Kim Jong Il is Kim Jong Dead, it has emerged
The North Korean leader and beloved worldwide figure, whose birth brought about spring and whose smile has been documented to cure the ill, has died on a train, struck down by a heart attack that he himself designed to kill him, according to a North Korean news broadcast
The act of suicide, which our puny minds cannot fathom because they cannot achieve the greatness that was Kim Jong Il, occurred sometime on the 17th of December on a train headed toward Pyongyang some time before the Dear Leader allowed the sun to rise.His son and fellow supernatural being Kim Jong-un will become his ‘great successor’ and it is reported that he has already imbibed some of his father’s power in a manner similar to ‘the quickening’ (a magical act from the film ‘The Highlander’ which Kim Jong Il wrote, directed, starred in and then made reality)
The death of the world’s greatest boxer, showjumper, pastry chef, jingle writer, saxophonist, sex practitioner and political leader has been met with enormous- if state mandated- grief. In accordance with his death wishes every single person in North Korea is today, making their way to their nearest public square and yelling continual grief-screams at the skies for twenty three hours. Any infidel found not engaging in this reasonable request will, of course, be machine gunned and shovelled into a mass grave.
Today leaders from around the world are expressing their own grief by letting out huge sighs, lowering alert levels and putting back the hands of a clock that symbolises how close we all are to nuclear annihilation; marks of respect to a man that commanded respect and fear wherever he chose to materialize at will.
According to official channels it is currently thought that the death of the Dear Leader was a deliberate attempt to elevate him to a higher level, beyond mere flesh. Now a powerful ghost Jong-Il (who was the world’s best golfer) can now travel to America and destroy that nation of effete and cowardly rat-people with his wonderful poltergeist powers.
Officials are predicting that America will be either a rubble-strewn wasteland or a new communist utopia dedicated to building a robot body that can contain Jong-Il’s roaming spirit within the week
The nervous and starving citizens of the glorious nation of North Korea now turn their subservient eyes toward Kim Jong-un and state officials are now trying to gauge exactly how much like his father he is.
Inheriting his father’s powers, film catalog, nuclear arsenal and magic powers Jong-un’s first few months is thought to be a proving ground for what kind of infallible leader he is likely to be. Experts are predicting that, considering the much discussed and discouraged weapons tests of the last few years, Jong-un’s advisers will stress the importance of proving his martial might in the wake of his father’s elevation.
Leaders from around the world are united in claiming that that’s just bloody dandy