Tuesday, 13 December 2011

NEWSBLAST: News In Brief- 13.12.11

Fans Compete to be Lady Gaga’s Next Outfit

An online competition has been launched by pop sensation Lady Gaga to find a fan whose skin will become a part of Gaga’s next outrageous outfit. The competition asks Gaga’s legions of ‘little monsters’ to send in a 200 word essay on why they love the singer, plus high quality video of them applying moisturizer to the skin on their backs. Gaga has defended the provocative second part of the competition, saying via twitter; “It rubs the lotion on the skin. It does this whenever it is told.”

Five lucky winners will have specially selected portions of their skin surgically removed at an undisclosed location by a team of Gaga’s specialists and then worn by the diva in the video for her next song ‘My Transformation is at Hand- Glory in the Becoming’.

The competition has already seen more than 800,000 entries and gaga is said to be delighted. taking to twitter again the singer cryptically thanked her fans by asking: “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.’

Michael Fassbender to Sprint in Gay Olympics

X-Men star Michael Fassbender has announced that he will be taking part in the 2012 Gay Olympics where he will compete in the 200m sprint. The event, scheduled as an alternative to the main 2012 Olympics, will donate all of its proceeds to gay rights charities. Fassbender says “It’s a cause that’s close to my heart, as a gay man and as a sprinter. I just hope I’m good enough to win; I’m going to have to be a pretty rapid homosexual on the day. But it just feels right somehow, like it was meant to be, like destiny.”

Organizer Hal Emmerich is delighted with Fassbender’s entry; “It’s great to see Mike joining us, he’s sure to bring much needed publicity to our event. But this isn’t all about star power- this is about the sport and he will need to be a quick gay to win. I suppose you could say he’ll need to be a swift queer!”

The Gay Olympics will be held on February 12th

Image of Virgin Mary Found on Used Toilet Paper

A humble cottage near Cork, Ireland has been inundated with modern day pilgrims after the inhabitant, pensioner Mary Kilmichael, discovered the image of the madonna on a piece of used toilet paper. The likeness of the Christmother has surprised even its manufacturer, Mary claims: “I never usually cast an eye toward the used paper when I’m about my business but that day something told me to look, some spirit guided my eye to my hand before I was set to flush and there she was, staring back at me, praise the lord for this blessing!”

The miraculous apparition, rendered over two sheets of charmin has been framed and placed above Kilmichael’s mantelpiece where visitors are paying a small admission to be able to pray beneath it and bask in its reportedly healing aura and scent. Visitor Charlie Partson told us, “It’s like the brown eyes of the divine touching your soul. Her beautiful face is a joy to behold. If I could but touch it, I know I would feel a small piece of the divine spirit in her textured face”

Vatican representatives are said to be en-route to Cork to investigate the validity of the miracle before it rots

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