Two Pandas recently brought to Edinburgh Zoo from China- the eight year olds Tian Tian and Yang Guang- have been found to be nothing more than two men in elaborate panda disguises, it has emerged. The men have admitted to being members of a sexual fetish community known as ‘furries’.
“It’s been bloody marvellous,” admitted one of the ‘pandas’, Phillip Haverblapp “I know I’ll be facing criminal charges but I’ve just had six years of dressing up like a sexy,sexy bear and being encouraged, nay begged, to penetrate my partner’s pandasnatch while people watch and applaud. You can’t take that away from me.”
The ‘furry’ community is a largely internet based group of fetishists who pursue outdoor sex while dressed as various real and fictional animals and though critics have balked at the prospect of finding pikachu being fellated by a doberman in a public park, this marks the first time that a furry has perpetrated a crime of this magnitude. Haverblapp says he fears that his actions may cause a crackdown in the policing; “I am not all furries. Most of us are law abiding, tax paying citizens who earn the right to fist a pony while dressed as a gazelle whenever they desire. That’s a basic freedom.”
The two men have told authorities that they replaced the real giant pandas several years ago when on holiday in China. Noting the lax security in their zoo, and the fact that the endangered animals were being encouraged to bone, the two fetishists set the animals free and took up residence in the enclosure in a daring midnight raid on the chinese zoo.
“We had to play it cool at first, we didn’t want to get in and then immediately start hammering away on each other’s furboxes. That would arouse suspicion. So I just hung out on the tyre swing for a few days and Pete tried to get used to eating bamboo. Then after a while, we couldn’t help ourselves any longer, we just went at it. We went nuts. Doggy, wheelbarrow, the tombstone piledriver, we did it all. I was sure when we were done the gig would be up and security would chuck us out, but when I finally exhausted myself, lay back and lit up a Marlboro Light, all I saw were some Chinese schoolkids clapping and cheering. Some were crying with joy. We really did gave them an eyefull”
Haverblapp admits that there were some downsides to his years of captivity, however, “The suit does get to stink after the first few months. That used to be one of the things I liked about my old unicorn outfit; the smell, but this got too much. We used to take turns creating a distraction so the other one could get out of the suit and have a rinse from the water bucket. I used to do a little dance to draw attention away from Pete. Pete used to do cartwheels and a little moonwalk while I rinsed out the gusset of the panda suit. Oh, and the bamboo was awful. Other than that it was ace.”
The arrest of the two men has proved to be an enormous blow to the Scottish zoo, who spent a lot on procuring the famously lusty pandas, though Haverblapp and his partner have offered to return to the enclosure once his sentence is carried out and become a different aroused animal every day.
Edinburgh zoo have accepted the offer
Senior Features Correspondent