Sunday, 4 December 2011

Newt Gingrich Tops Popularity Polls Due to Terrifying Wife

New polls indicate that Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich’s popularity has skyrocketed in the last few weeks, a development that analysts and pundits are attributing to the increased presence of his nightmarish, reptile faced wife

The deployment of Callista Gingrich and her mad eyes and immovable bulletproof hair (which is rumoured to be a single saggital bone crest that simply resembles hair) has been seen to put a considerable dent in the confidence of the other nominees since, as they attempt to beat her husband in public debates they must also deal with the sight of her wraith-like countenance staring icy daggers into their souls from the sidelines.

The cheerily mustachioed pizza mogul and candidate Herman Cain has spoken out against the nominee’s wife’s appearances, stating: “I’ll be trying to point out the similarity between pizza and the EPA in a fantastic, debate winning simile when out of the corner of my eye I’ll see....that. I don’t know how she does it but she can make my genitals retract up into my body with a glance. Every time. Schloop. There was one time that I was making a point against Gingrich’s immigration policy when I spotted her doing something, I looked and she took this rat out of a little teak box and- never once breaking eye contact with me- dislocated her jaw and swallowed that sucker whole. She rubbed her belly and just looked back at me. Needless to say, I was lost for words. Newt looked like he won that round of the debates. I still wake up sometimes, seeing that...”

The Gingrich camp has not distanced itself from their newest asset, instead embracing the sheer overwhelming fear instilled by Callista’s ghostly but sharp features. In recent debates and appearances Gingrich has been flanked by his wife at all times, a move that is technically not permitted though no one has yet had the courage to tell her that. During debates whenever Gingrich has been talking or when he is being challenged Callista has been observes cracking walnuts open in one hand, lazily tossing a rusty knife from one hand to the other and emitting a series of hissing shrieks many of which are too high pitched for human ears whenever Mitt Romney opens his very mormon mouth.

The menace is not contained to the other candidates however, since audience members have been confronted by the 45 year old omnivore. One group-who wish to remain anonymous- reported being approached by Mrs. Gingrich during a recess and questioned about how they would vote. When advocacy of Rick Perry was hinted at the group allege that Callista threw her head back and sprayed an unguent acid from a gland in her throat, burning the faces of those who had spoken, then suggesting that they reconsider for the sake of their ‘delicious looking young’.

Gingrich’s newfound popularity has put him in a strong position in a race rocked by scandal. Political commentators have applauded the move, claiming that Callista’s cold brutality and razor sharp talons have complimented her husband’s roly-poly and ineffectual image. One MSNBC journalist wrote; “Newt may talk a good game but at the end of the day he looks like a pastry spokesman or maybe a cheery butcher. With her at his side we get a more rounded picture of the man, we get a whole nominee, we get someone that looks like she could rend flesh assunder.”

Republican Presidential Primaries are set to end in early 2012 or when Callista Gingrich chases off the rest of the nominees

Felix Prenderghast
Senior Features Correspondent

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