Avuncular looking sex pest Herman Cain has stepped down as a Republican Presidential nominee, leaving a large hole in the GOP’s satire defences that could possibly be filled by Donald Trump.
Pizza magnate Cain’s incomprehensible reliance on the nonsense slogan ‘999’, his oft puzzling pizza puns and his propensity for extramarital dalliances with wideset women has been said to have been an excellent and obvious target that has allowed the rest of the nominees peddle their own personal xenophobias or religious deathwishes to the American right largely without notice.
Republican campaign planner Tom VanBeureau has said;“To be honest it’s only really when one of the other nominees can’t name more than two branches of government or proposes a holy war on Luxemburgh or some such tosh that people pay any real attention to them. In the meantime, they’ve been securing their base of tea partiers and twitchy-eyed firearm stockpilers and the topical comedians haven’t really had the time to pay them any heed.”
“Remember when he took ten minutes to remember what Libya was? That same day Michelle Bachmann said something real dumb about the Iraq and nuclear arms. Now, I’m not going to tell you what that was, but that’s the point, isn’t it; that nobody can remember that? He drew so much fire. God bless him. But we move on.”
Donald Trump, the sometime- bankrupt businessman and enemy of decorum had previously announced his candidacy for the race but dropped out to film more of his series of the Apprentice so that he could berate Meatloaf for mismanaging a hot dog stand possibly.
However, with the announcement that he would be chairing one of the upcoming debates and his public announcement that if he found none of the candidates satisfactory that he would be willing to re-enter the race himself, Republican campaign runners are breathing a sigh of relief.
VanBeureau continued; “He really is the answer to our prayers, with his constant sullen pout, his inability to speak in a measured tone and whatever the fuck that thing is on top of his head, I bet those joke monkeys on the Daily Show have forgotten about those other candidates.”
Combining an odious personality with the right wing views of a slow witted despot, Trump is thought to be the perfect replacement for Cain. Having announced his candidacy on a Comedy Central Roast dedicated to him- in which comedians point out his failings for an hour on television-analysts have said that Trump displays the requisite poor judgement combined with the need to always be the centre of attention.
“He once said he would sort the Somalian pirate situation by sending in American battleships to wipe them out. Actually that may have been what he said his first act as President would be. And we didn’t write that for him. He’s doing it on his own. With him sicking out that kind of cocktwaddle like that from his very puff-tan face we can do literally anything with the other guys. God, I hope he steps in.”
Donald Trump is yet to officially re-announce his Presidential candidacy. The Trump chaired debate will be aired on Jan 12th 2012
Felix Prenderghast
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