Thursday, 1 December 2011

Government Unveil Plan to Turn Unemployed into Riot Police

In a week marred by bleak financial forecasts and the largest strikes in years the government has provided a ray of hope for the estimated 2.62 unemployed by unveiling a new fast track program to create thousands more riot police

Job Secretary Hugh Danderbly is spearheading the job scheme, saying in his announcement address;“There’s been a lot of talk of job creators, recently, with people wondering how to foster job creation, well it seems like the answer has been in front of us this whole time, in our very streets, bashing up a student protester with a riot shield. I looked at another one of these protests the other day and it struck me: this government’s going to need more people to man the pepper spray cannons.”

Some of the reformed violent thugs

The initiative is set to target young offenders since those are the young unemployed citizens who have the hardest time finding employment who also have a good deal of previous experience intimidating the middle classes and wielding sticks. “What better way to channel antisocial aggression into a vocation that actually helps the state?”

“The best thing about this program is that it’s a virtually endless jobs machine. With our proposed budgets and what we have planned for the public sector- i won’t spoil it but it is going to be hilarious- we fully expect to run into these kinds of little national strikes and violent riots on a pretty frequent basis. And that’s great news for the unemployed because this nation will have the greatest possible need to put people on horses with batons since the sixteenth century”

As soon as next month the government proposes to have representatives of the police force stationed in booths outside jobcentres, with recruiters looking for the beefiest and most facially tattooed of claimants. Recruiter and veteran riot officer Chauncey St. Claire told us; “It’s a great feeling giving meaning to a young man’s life. When we get to turn a young lad charged with GBH into a proud officer with a nightstick in one hand, an industrial can of mace in the other and a grin on his face, well that’s the point of the job isn’t it? We’re here to turn criminals into innocent citizens.....And vice versa! Only kidding. Just don’t ever protest and you’ll be fine.” laughed, the sergeant.

Current trainee and reformed serial burglar Danny Dwyer has endorsed the life changing properties of the scheme, saying; “I know I used to be no good. I used to break the law just to enforce my power over the weak. but as soon as they bring you in here and put that baton in your hand and that helmet over your face it really hits you: I’ll never have to break the law to do that again. I’m a real model copper now, I just hope I pass my tear gas practical exam. they say we’re getting to use that good stuff from Egypt.”

The new police training barracks in Manchester is set to begin producing specialized strikebreakers and riot police by the beginning of February 2012.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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