Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Prince Phillip Heart Attack Blamed on ‘Surprising Negro’

The Duke of Edinburgh, who has been allowed to leave hospital after being kept under observation for four days, has revealed that his heart attack was caused by seeing a black guardsman eating some chicken.

Prince Phillip told the BBC today about the incident, stating that he was taking a walk around Sandringham, when he saw a ‘coloured’ guardsman on his break, eating a cooked lunch of fried chicken followed by a slice of watermelon on an outside bench. The gaffe-prone prince, overcome by the sight of a 'minority' in royal grounds and an consumed with his insurmountable compulsion to say inappropriate things to people who are of a different race to him, succumbed to a heart attack at the sight. "It was like a perfect racism storm" claims a source close to the prince.

The guardsman in question has stated that the Prince approached him, pointing manically to both his face and to his lunch, before wheezingly mutterring some racist insults, clutching his chest and fainting. Paul Lyons- the guardsman in question- recounting the incident has said: “I was amazed. I was just having my lunch when His highness approached me. I snapped to attention, obviously, but he was obviously in a state of distress. He kept pointing to my lunch and back at me. i feel like a fool that i didn’t make the connection. I helped ease him to the ground and he was trying to speak. I remember the last thing he said before he passed out: ‘gollywog’. I called the ambulance immediatly”

“It was like he overloaded” said the guardsman, “He was trying to say all these antiquated insults all at once and I think it got on top of him. If I’d known the trouble this would have caused I would have had a sandwich and a yogurt instead.”

Speaking to the BBC His Royal Highness was in good spirits today, joking:“If I’d just waited a few hours until the sun went down I wouldn’t have seen the bugger at all! Unless he smiled, or opened his eyes wide at me. I didn’t even think we employed those chaps in the Royal guard, but I suppose if any intruders come along they can chuck a few spears at them. Do we still own their country? We don’t?!

The Prince then recounted the plot to the Michael Caine film Zulu to a delighted group of royalists.

Mr. Lyons has since met with the Prince, and has been assured that his position on the staff is safe, despite causing a heart attack to a senior Royal through his race. Speaking after the visit, Lyons told us: “I don’t take offence. We all know how he is. Whether he’s calling a chinese delegate slitty eyed, or giving nazi salutes to Angela Merkel he’s still a part of our royal family, and i for one think that the institution of the monarchy, much like old Phil’s cracks about us ‘coloureds’ is a reminder of a bygone age; a simpler time. God bless him, god bless the queen, god bless these regal relics of our grand imperial past.”

The Prince is said to be making a full recovery and is looking forward to the Queen’s diamond jubilee tour which will afford him the opportunity to meet delegates from many other countries and inform them of the many humorous racial stereotypes that they may or may not conform to.


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