Following minor tremors in the Swiss countryside this week the source of the disturbances have been tracked down to the site of CERN’s Large Hadron Collider which has been tilted on a hidden gimble and pointed at the sky, unfolded to take the form of an immense gun and pointed to a place where scientists believe God lives.
Addressing journalists from a shielded platform near the newly revealed muzzle of the Hadron Collider, chief designer Hans Cockram admitted; “You’ve rumbled us, yes. This is our deity death ray. All that other stuff was just a smokescreen. Smashing protons together? What’s that going to get you? Two cracked protons on the floor, that’s what. That has no scientific merit. It was all just a ruse so we could build a tube that fires projectiles at unfathomable, christ-killing speed.”
“Higgs Boson? Nah, we made that up. Charlie, the guy who designed our trigger mechanism, put that one in. That’s actually the name of an obscure 20s blues singer. Surprised nobody rumbled us on that one. Charlie loves his blues. But he hates God. So do we all, truth be told.”
The News has come as a shock to the wider scientific community and to Swiss authorities who have gathered at the perimeter of the 22 mile long weapon in an attempt to dissuade the staff of firing into the face of God.
As the CERN technicians load their 1 mile wide clip, physicists across the world are attempting to decypher which discoveries and theories that have emerged from the disguised facility have been true and which have been false.
Prof. Cockram, addressing the scientific community, said that not all of their research was falacious; “I’ll tell you what’s true actually. That faff about tachyons moving faster than light and being able to exist in multiple temporal states, appearing to time travel. That’s what we made the bullets out of. We don’t want to get Yaweh with a gut shot and have him limp away and plan his revenge, we’ve got to have one shot that eradicates the existence of the divine through all time. That’s why we’ve got three ounces of tachyons in our shell, alongside gunpowder, a primer and some VHS copies of Ken Russel’s director’s cut of The Devils”
“We thought tracking god down would be harder but it was all fairly simple. We got some people to pray in a vacuum and then isolated the neutrino-vibrational pattern of the energy they emitted. With that done, we could just trace the paths of prayers to where they went to in the sky. We got the hubbel people onto it and later that afternoon they pointed out a constellation where all the prayers were going to that’s shaped like an ancient and indescribable face. Now we’ve got ‘im right between the eyes.”
The plan to shoot the Divine Maker has drawn fire from religious groups who claim the unfurling of this city-sized cannon can be seen as proof of modern science’s hostility toward religion. Prof. Cockram has confirmed these allegations. Many religious groups are inundating CERN headquarters with complaints, while others are trying to make their way to the Swiss countryside in an attempt to stop the experimental firing
CERN have announced that the cannon will discharge at noon tomorrow.
Felix Prenderghast
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