Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Stimulus Package Set to Prioritize Delivery of ‘British Christmas-y Tat’

A government initiative has promised British businesses tax incentives, extended delivery hours and an extended roster of claimable expenses provided that they can “ram the Christmas shelves with enough crap to dig us partway out of this moneyhole we’re in”

The business stimulus package has been rushed through the Commons this last week in the hopes of getting all still operational British manufacturers to fill all retail outlets with their poorly thought out and shoddily built merchandise just in time for hordes of confused children, boyfriends and husbands to snap them up in a desperate tinsel blindness as they realize that they have no idea what any of their loved ones could possibly want.

Map pants? Oh yes, perfect

Business Minister Stephen Dorff, who proposed the bill said; “If you can slap ‘as seen on Dragon’s Den’ on the box, do it, just get it on the shelves for at least the 23rd- that’s the optimal time for poorly thought out present buying. And it’s on this wave of disappointing gifts that this government intends to ride out of this recession. Every crestfallen spouse is a little sliver of hope on our arid fiscal landscape. Consumers- do your duty this Christmas and buy some awful, borderline poisonous perfume endorsed by some of The Saturdays that was manufactured in an old smelting plant in Leith”

“Christmas has always been a peak time for retail; a nice juicy slab of reliable money, so in these harsh financial times we want to ensure that British industry is receiving all the help it can get in delivering unlicensed Top Gear board games where the rules don’t work, remote controlled helicopters which also functions as pepper mills, USB paper shredders with a built in ashtrays, cravats with harmonicas sewn into them, model railways that are powered by bored sighs, all that good stuff. Someone will buy it.”

Under the new bill fleets of delivery trucks will be on hand by the end of the week offering massively reduced rates for British firms hoping to deliver little parcels of disappointment to homes across the land, prioritizing those products over the sleeker, cheaper and often more reliable foreign goods that people might actually value.


Treasury Minister Max Timberwolf also came out in support of the bill, though he questioned its timing, saying; “I fully support this package but I must ask about passing it this soon. I mean, Christmas is ages away isn’t it? Wait, what date is it? Really?! God damnit, seriously? Christ, I’ve got to get something for my nephew. What do you get for an eight year old these days? Pogs? Are Pogs back yet?”

The Minister went on to say that has also encouraged any businesses who produce gifts aimed at middle aged women but who don’t make chocolates or scarves for the tenth bloody year in a row, to get in touch with his office immediately for a special consideration.

Felix Penderghast

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