Thursday, 15 December 2011

NEWSBLAST: News in Brief -15.12.11

Higgs Boson Found in the Smiles of Children

Researchers from CERN have confirmed that they have identified and traced the elusive ‘god particle’, the higgs boson to the eyes and smiles of all of the world’s children.

Lead researcher Tom Bombadill revealed; “All this time we were looking in the wrong place, looking outside when we should have cast an eye inward. You don’t need a Hadron Collider of any size to realize that the particle from which all other matter is thought to have come from can be found all around us, from the twinkle in a baby’s eye to a kind act performed with no thought of reward.”

“It all happened when we were looking at some of the readouts from our proton acceleration chamber and I looked up at my desk where I have a picture of my newborn girl. And there it was; the elementary particle predicted by the Standard Model of Particle Physics. When i showed it to the rest of the staff we all agreed. Few people laughed, few people cried, most people were silent.”

“We’ve only glimpsed a small part of the particle so far but we will continue our research, by studying the songs of toddlers, the laughter of infants, the light in the eyes of someone truly thankful”

Government Unveil New Drive-thru Job Centres

Citing an increase in demand and complaints from the overworked Department of Employment the Government are unveiling a series of new jobcentres with a fast checkout window on the outside of the building for jobless drivers to claim their allowance more efficiently.

The new drive-thru system is being welcomed by the unemployed and jobcentre staff alike since the deluge of jobless- both newly created and long term damned- have begun to fill up centres to the point to which they can no longer function. One worker describes the round-the-clock shuffle of the hordes of unemployed in one crowded jobcentre as ‘like the crowded lifeboats leaving the capsizing ship of the world’s economy, its inhabitants already coldly considering the prospect of cannibalism’

Should the scheme prove a success the Government is already planning more expansive extensions of the scheme such as door-to-door unemployment agents for when joblessness can no longer be funnelled through small buildings, Jobcentre stadium days where football stadiums will be converted to impromptu jobcentres every Thursday or a radical system where those in employment will be asked to register every fortnight just to save time

FHM Magazine Staffed ‘Exclusively by Rapists’

A contentious new study conducted jointly by the Universties of Surrey and Middlesex (set to be published in the British Journal of Pyschology) has revealed that readers cannot tell the difference between statements given by sex offenders and quotations from articles found in lads mags like FHM, Nuts or Zoo

A spokesman for FHM has said that he could explain the findings revealing; “We’re all sex offenders here, luv. Could have saved you some time on that. Next time you want to study something come round my gaff and I’ll give you something to write about. Whether you want it or not.”

The study, in which almost nobody could differentiate between the leery advice of Zoo from the testimonies of rapists has been nullified in the light of these revelations.

FHM’s spokesman continued; “We only get rapists in. They write well good about tits all day. We had a few staff in that weren’t on any kind of register but we made sure they was one of us through this ritual we got. It goes like this- he’s got to sexually assault some bird while one of us films it on our mobile. Even the janitors here are sex pests”


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