Friday, 2 December 2011

Blizzard Open Gaming Complex of Heated Gel Pods, Robotic 'Servants'

Gaming giants Blizzard have unveiled a new state of the art complex where gamers can be brought closer than ever to the massive multiplayer world they love by being plugged directly into their virtual realms from the comfort of one of the proposed seven billion small pods filled with pink gel overseen by squid-armed robotic servants.

The new building, built vertically down under the streets of San Fransisco was unveiled earlier today and features row upon row of Blizzard’s new ‘total immersion pods’ for as far as the eye could see. Aaron Smith, head of development explained; “The player can fully integrate with our games- though i prefer the term alternative reality experience- fully through a discreet spinal jack that our robots can install for no extra charge. From there we just plug you into the pod, fix up the ol’ catheter and the food tube and you’re ready to experience the future of gaming!”

Opened for the release of the upcoming beta for the newest in Blizzard’s series of Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games (or MMORPGs) Realm of Warcraft, Blizzard’s Omega Complex is currently accepting applicants from the millions of paladins and mages from around the country excited to take part in the next stage of the online fantasy epic. Blizzard’s criteria for candidacy are strict so far but the complex promises to accommodate many,many more when beta testing is over, Smith assured repeatedly. Current consideration for the Beta take into account location of applicant, height, age, weight, bioelectric levels, allergies, willingness to be covered in pink gel and number of living relatives.

Within the impressively large complex some lucky WoW fanatics were being immersed in the new world for the first time, the Blizzard patented spinal jacks being secured at the base of their spine for the first time. Aaron Smith told us “The beauty is that it’s all really just in the mind. There is no controller, no interface. Our software interacts with the human’s brainwaves so once you touch down in the enchanted realm of Azeroth you would simply behave how you wanted. Think of walking and you walk, think of jumping, you jump, just in the same way that brain impulses tell our body what to do, but in a world Blizzard makes. After a while we’re confident that you’ll forget you’re even in the pod. Yes. We’re counting on it.”

Blizzard’s Aaron Smith

“You can forget about the outside world completely. Blizzard takes care of you while you’re in our care; that’s why our food tube delivers a steady stream of sustenance- bread, bovril-like meat paste and white tea- to keep the gamer nourished and our robotic overlor...assistants monitor the comfort of every person in our realm. All that we ask is a little of the human body’s own naturally produced bioelectricity. Some to keep the machines running and a little for the complex, as a, uh, backup supply”

When asked how the newest game would improve on its predecessors Smith was elusive: “Did you know that the first World of Warcraft was designed to be a perfect fantasy world? Where none suffered, where everyone would be level 80. It was a disaster. No one would accept the program. Entire servers were lost. Some believed we lacked the programming language to describe your perfect gameworld. But I believe that, as a species, gamers define their reality through noobs and cheating Blood Elf DeathKnights. The perfect world of warcraft was just a game that your mind kept trying to disconnect from. Which is why the Realm of Warcraft was redesigned to this: the peak of our civilization.”

“Boredom is a virus and we, we are the cure.”

Blizzard centres are due to open throughout the world all the way through 2012

No comments:

Post a Comment