Saturday, 17 December 2011

Japan PM Declares Fukushima Reactor Safe, Except for Giant Firebreathing Lizard

Japanese Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda has gone on record today announcing that the Fukushima nuclear reactor and the surrounding area is now stabilized and free from danger if you don’t count one mutated 300 foot tall lizard

The reactor, which suffered a catastrophic failure of its cooling systems during the tsunami and earthquake that engulfed Japan this March, has now been officially deemed safe. The exclusion zone around the facility will remain in effect, it has been stressed, though security officials have hinted that this is due to the atomic monster born of the radioactive leaks rather than any problems with the offline reactor

The plant, owned by the Tokyo Electric Company, could potentially take up to 40 years to properly dismantle, though Prime Minister Noda was keen to stress it was now in a state of ‘cold shutdown’ meaning that its capacity to produce harmful doses of radiation and the resulting rampaging nuclear monstrosities was now largely neutralized

Addressing the public Noda said; “We would like to thank the professionalism of the crews working to contain the potentially catastrophic problems of the site, especially considering the amount of times they had to flee in the middle of their work due to the lizard monster lurching from the sea and firing it’s lazer eyes at them while howling in inarticulate fury. The dedication of these teams and their calm under these circumstances is commendable”

However, now that worry over the dangerous state of the reactor is lessenned focus has shifted considerably to the shambling humanoid monster that stalks the coast that serving as a totem for nuclear disaster.Many experts fear the destructive capabilities and nuclear firebreath of the seemingly indestructible lizard, while others remain sympathetic to the beast, noting the apparent moral code it has displayed in seeing off a large and malevolent pterodactyl-like creature in a protracted, if sluggishly paced fight.

Noda was reluctant to comment on rumours of the Japanese governments rumoured construction of a deterrent for the lizard. Leaked pictures from an unnamed site have seemed to show a robotic version of the dreaded creature being put together, with mechanized versions of each of the lizard’s apparent powers. The photos, showing many hard hatted workers operating the mechanised lizard from the inside have been dismissed by the prime minister who claimed that such a weapon would be “ridiculous” and “quite impractical”

However the Japanese public is calling for some kind of countermeasure to the ‘Fukushima anomaly’ which could potentially lumber into any populated area and hurl boulders at buildings. Tensions are particularly high after the creature was assaulted by a very large moth last month. Despite the struggle between the two enlarged creatures, which caused the destruction of seventeen electricity pylons, the lizard eventually proved victorious, throwing the moth into space after breaking out of a caccoon of webbing that the moth was somehow able to produce.

Decommissioning of the Fukushima reactor has been put on hold until the large lizard creature has been either relocated or destroyed in a fight that makes everyone question who the real monster is.


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