Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Italy Absconds

The Eurozone has been thrown into chaos today after it was discovered that Italy has disappeared in the dead of night. The country, which has faced financial and political collapse in recent weeks, has been spotted heading south in the Mediterranean sea, having attached rotors around the coasts of Venice, Turin and Milan and detatched itself from mainland Europe in what is thought to be a desperate attempt to escape its creditors.

Satellite images have shown the country’s zig-zagging progress as it demolished its moorings, pulled up its previously unknown anchors and coasted out past Sicily and then into the open Mediterranean waters. The destination of the boat-country is presently unknown but analysts believe that Italy may be heading toward the more financially stable continent of Asia.

A breakdown of the new nation-skiff

Experts say that the rogue nation only stopped once in its uncertain pilgrimage, pausing for several hours off the coast of Australia in what was thought to be a trading run, swapping out valuables for food supplies, fishing equipment and anti-seasickness medications. This morning the Australian government has conformed that its own markets have received an unprecedented injection of antique Renaissance marble busts and valuable Roman-era pottery at around the time that the trading run was thought to have taken place.

EU spokesman Chris Fatcastle has said,“We think that their plan is to coast through the oceans, stopping off at ports much like in Australia’s case and unloading their own valuables in exchange for supplies and money. Italy’s economy’s in the toilet and this is presumably their rather drastic answer to their shortage of funds. Also of note is he fact that the rest of Europe and the World Bank have no way of holding them accountable for their debts. God, I just hope they don’t turn pirate.”

The bow of Italy sighted off of New Zealand

In retaliation to Italy’s undeclared movement, its shirking of fiscal responsibility and its deep sea fishing without any permit the IMF have hired several baillifs, bounty hunters and private detectives to bring the country back to its usual place and the grievous debts that wait for it there.

Private Investigator Jim DeGriz promised the EU: “I ain’t never had a bounty i couldn’t chase down. Big, small, smart or dumb every cheating husband, out of luck gambler or bankrupt nation always slips up and I’ll be on them. This job here? no challenge at all. I can see them from space. Literally. I’ll just get in, slap the cuffs on and have ‘em steer that country back to where it oughtta be. My fee’s five hundred a day, plus expenses and I’ll need a dinghy.”

The two dozen or so contracted investigators are set to leave harbours around southern Europe in commandeered abandoned Italian fishing boats midday tomorrow.

It is thought that up to seventeen tankers have run aground on the coast of italy and are now being swept along in the country’s path like barnacles on a ship

All attempts at communication with the Italian Government/Captain have thus far been met with silence

Felix Prenderghast

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