Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Romney Secures Poll Lead by Conjuring Hurricane

As Hurricane Sandy ravages the East Coast of America, clearing the bustling streets of New York and cutting power across the city, the tragic weather has had one unexpected result since Mitt Romney’s popularity has jumped in response to his appearance in the very eye of the storm wherein he sits, stripped to the waist bellowing dire warnings about what will happen if people displease him further.

The floating presidential hopeful was facing dire odds in the last few weeks of his presidential campaign against Barack Obama due in large part to his dismissal of 47% of the electorate, his staunch conservative rhetoric and his practice of bursting the hearts of vagrants within their chests using only his merciless gaze.

However with the flagging race nearing its conclusion many Republican backers allegedly gave one final monetary donation to the Romney/Ryan super pac along with a goblet full of a virgin’s despair which the Massachusetts governor drank in one long draught while trapped in an antechamber inside Karl Rove’s mind.

Invigorated by the fiscal stimulus and the threat of the three point lead of his democratic opponent, Romney launched his last ditch effort on Monday by walking into the ocean where he seemed to sink without trace, only to reappear three hours later, sat cross legged and held aloft seemingly by swirling, accelerating winds. Following this appearance inside a ball of expanding force, Romney’s popularity and the wind speed off of the coast of America have been rising in tandem.

However, the full effects of the Governor’s PR hurricane have truly taken effect today when the winds controlled by Romney hit New York, bringing the metropolis to a standstill as Romney floated in the middle of Time Square with cars and trees and loose shoes whipping around him in what Fox News is calling ‘a decisive and Presidential show of power’

The arcane energy is thought to be a direct plea to any undecided voters and in Romney’s own words, (which resound through the skulls of the fearful) “Any who value the puny lives of their young”. Gallup polls taken earlier today among those cowered in shelters have shown that this bold strategy seems to be working, even among staunch liberals.

President Obama has been quick to condemn the Republican weather emergency, stating that such scare tactics and cheap theatrics would not work on the American electorate. However, rumour around Capitol Hill speculates that Obama has already dispatched a small armed response unit to a haunted fairground where Romney’s sons are known to be standing in a circle, staring at an orb made of malice. Many political insiders and one hooded old man with a mysterious scar allege that sinking seven blessed daggers into Tagg Romney could destabilize the storm, ending the state of emergency

The strategy is the first of its kind since Richard Nixon took the form of a wolf in order to eat a very chinese man to win over the notoriously tricky swing state of Ohio, although the Republican party has always been accused of using arcane powers to their advantage, albeit covertly.

This latest wind attack on New York- a traditional democrat safe state- has been seen by some as a bold power play for the upcoming election which, if successful could herald in a dramatic change in the way tornadoes are used in elections are held from now on


Derren Brown Stooge Allegations End with Mass Suicide

Derren Brown, the goateed conduit of the occult is celebrating today as all of the allegations of him using actors as stooges in his most recent magic show ‘Apocalypse’ have been dropped.

The matter was nullified today following the surprising news that every one of the forty seven people who issued these allegations committed suicide last night at exactly four minutes past midnight.

The rumours of fakery for psychological illusionist Brown started directly after the broadcast when Sun journalist Ryan Metcam alleged via twitter that the man who was the subject of Brown’s experiment was in fact an actor. However, Metcam never produced evidence of this since he subsequently set his flat on fire then walked deliberately in front of a train and handcuffed himself to the tracks. The journalist’s bereaved girlfriend, Bertha, reported that he had not seemed depressed before he had walked robotically out of the door with his arms outstretched like a mummy.

However she did report that he received a distressing phone call, possibly concerning his allegations against the mentalist.

She told us, “His mobile goes off and when he answers it his head drops for a while and i heard him saying ‘yes....yes...I hear and obey....’ in this monotone voice for a while, so i thought it was his Mum or Hydro Electric maybe his editor. When he hung up I thought we’d just go back to watching our blu ray of Jingle All the Way, but he picked up a jerry can of petrol instead.”

The report is in keeping with many of the reported suicides many of which seem to feature a phone call which is little more than a series of random bleeps and white noise, although several suicides seemed to have been triggered by a randomly flashing light that appeared on top of a tower in central London which emitted a random series of flashes for several minutes.

Distressingly, the mass suicide seemed to have operated to pre-arranged signals. After a phone-in request to Radio One’s drivetime show, wherein Nick Grimshaw was asked to repeat the words ‘Elephantitis periscope omega’ several Brown sceptics veered off of the road, determinedly crashing into rivers, trees or factories that manufacture spikes

However, according to seven hundred people in an east London shopping mall who, in unison stopped to shout in one voice at 2am today “These were obviously a suicide pact. It was caused by guilty consciences. It is understandable. No more investigation. Sleep.”

Though the surprising coincidence of the mass suicide has raised eyebrows the Met’s chief of police, Iain Chiefson issued a statement earlier this morning, stating that after a full investigation the police had found no sign of foul play. He then proceeded to eat a raw onion like an apple, before dropping his head, falling immediately asleep and mumbling ‘mission accomplished master’

Approached for comment, Brown stated that his deepest sympathies went out to the ‘pathetic malleable minds that cross him’ before stating that he hoped that the whole ugly business of him hiring stooges was behind him.

However, despite his assurances to the contrary we have recently found, through an unnamed source close to Brown that EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT. HE IS BRITAIN’S GREATEST ENTERTAINER. HE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE. WE MUST NEVER DOUBT HIM AGAIN AND ALWAYS WATCH HIS BROADCASTS. 

In unrelated news, earlier today Met chief Iain Chiefson committed suicide by throwing himself into a threshing machine.


Sunday, 21 October 2012

Madonna Calls off Second Leg of Tour Due to Controversial Slaying of Seventeen

Madonna, no stranger to courting publicity with her outrageous antics and tabloid-baiting stunts, has called off the second leg of her recent American tour after gunning down seventeen people in Colorado on Tuesday.

Madonna takes aim at fans (and preconceptions)

The concert, which Rolling Stone called ‘a startling post feminist deconstruction of patriarchal gun culture’ has been pilloried as insensitive in the wake of the Aurora massacre, with many calling for a public apology and ticket refunds for the repeated act of premeditated murder.

It was during the finale of the show in which Madonna , backed by a a David Guetta produced Rn’B track and carried on stage by a cadre of dancers dressed alternately in Virginia Tech and Columbine High school T-shirts that the singer produced two large caliber revolvers from behind a tuba and began her ironic bloodbath.

Stopping once to reload the twin Smith and Wesson model 625s and transition into the chorus of ‘Like a Prayer’, Madonna fired continuously into the crowd for upwards of two minutes, wounding thirty two and killing seventeen. It is thought that the nature of the spectacle prevented many from believing in the stunt and leaving. Thus, in the wake of the tragic concert many witnesses confessed to dancing through the bloodshed and, in many cases, on the throats of the injured pop fans.

Among the deceased are Jerry Falhallow, 57 a retired butcher for whom the tickets were a birthday present. Other confirmed fatalities include Thalidia Junt, 22, a student and part-time butcher, Orwent Roys, 19, an apprentice meat wholesaler from Philadelphia, Denton Thuggs, 34, a retired meat shop owner from Alaska and Delia Thistlebush, a rabid Madonna fan  whose friends describe her as a ‘fun loving and vivacious butcher in the prime of her life’.

Madonna finishing off a troublesome fan

Though many fled the initial slaughter, many die-hard fans stayed throughout and were reportedly treated to three encores  and an acoustic version of ‘Erotica’, which a local music reviewer called ‘haunting’.

Despite the furore from newspapers and high ranking police, Madonna has refused to apologize for the slayings and claims that the cancellation of three of her upcoming tour dates were entirely due to exhaustion and injury to the wrists which she sufferred by dual wielding such large firearms.

Still, many cultural commentators defend the actions of Madonna. Speaking today to the family of  one of the deceased butchers, cultural commentator and rave fan David Johnboy said, “Madonna has always pushed the envelope, whether it’s with the publication of a book in which she gets her baps out, or its with her daring choices in bras, or with her performance in Swept Away, or with the choice to confront America with its obsession with firearms by shooting indiscriminately into a crowd over the song ‘Flange!' from the multi platinum selling Ray of Light album.”

As authorities approached, Madonna made a swift exit

“It was clearly a provocative decision to shoot seventeen people in Colorado after Aurora, but Madonna has never shied away from controversy, and is always willing to make a statement even if it incenses the self appointed guardians of morality or results in a homicide investigation.”

“It was clear that this massacre was a post modern examination on the nature of massacres.’
Still, many have criticised Madonna not on the basis of her bodycount but on her apparent lack of relevance. Kim Polyp from NME told us, “This is a sad story of a star trying to cling on to the cutting edge and not looking terribly dignified doing so. Last week Lady Gaga poisoned Gotham’s reservoir, having left the city’s police a series of devious musical clues in the forms of songs about being nice to gays. That killed three hundred and fouty five people and she’s at the top of the iTunes sales charts.”

“Madge has had her day, this derivative shooting is just proof of that.”


Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Prince Charles Letters Suppressed Due to Admission about ‘Princess Di’ and ‘Brake Pads’

The injunction that Whitehall has placed on a set of letters between avuncular ear display unit Prince Charles and several MPs has drawn fire today. However several lawyers and journalists who have seen the leaked documents have supported their suppression on the grounds that the contents are “too private”, “too controversial” and “too upsetting to fans of Princess Diana being alive”.

The prince’s defense QC, James Pendleton admitted, “There are some vague mentions of cars, the Prince’s late wife and the ‘chassis crumple zones of Q-reg Benzes’ but anything extrapolated from that is pure conjecture. My client deserves privacy.”

The revelation of the suppression of the letters have led many to speculate on their contents, wondering at the personal beliefs held and history of automotive murders committed by the Royal, which have scarcely ever been hinted at in interviews.

However Chief Justice Geoffrey Dredd told us today, “The letters were suppressed for private reasons and cannot be discussed. Nor can the reasons. However, between you and me, don’t think about all that homeopathy bullshit that he yaffles on about. Think brake pads, think Paris, think of a Mercedez Benz W140 with its suspension cables interfered with. I’ve said too much.”

The injunction, which  is protecting the 27 letters which date between 2004-2005, is being threatened by the Freedom of Information act and pressure from the Guardian. In response, the Prince  directly addressed the Guardian’s lawyers, calling for privacy, then making a series of ominous skidding and crashing noises with his mouth.

Prince Charles

The private opinions of the tax funded elite who wave at British citizens from castles several times a year have always been the cause of curiosity. Royal procedures and decorum have always dictated that the head of state remains ideologically neutral to avoid seeming to influence political policy.

However, ever since the Queen was overheard to confess that she found the Irish to be “ dirty, pug faced, potato humping, mud brained thieves who need to be put in their place at any cost” speculation has run rampant on the opinions of the ruling class.

Such breaches in royal PR are vanishingly rare due to the high level of criticism they draw, such as when on a visit to a Manchester paediatric hospital Princess Anne was overheard admitting to a footman that she would rather “be brained with a dull brick at birth than be born a mancunian prole” before jokingly offering to provide the service for free.

Among other royal revelations are that Prince Harry, inspired by the film ‘Hard Target’, believes that gypsies make ‘excellent sport’, the Duchess of Cornwall refuses to touch black people and The Earl of Westfesterham enjoys galloping at poor children in a specially built chariot.

Prince Charles has, until this point largely managed to remain above the fray, displaying neither personal opinions nor, seemingly the facility to have them. However the release of the letters may change that. Though none have been allowed to see them, the envelopes themselves have drawn a lot of attention, featuring as often as they do doodles of blonde women impaled on steering columns.

The controversial court case is ongoing


Rift in British National Party Leadership Blamed on ‘Muslims and Benders”

Beloved British political institution the BNP is suffering a crisis of leadership, it has been reported. The  political and ideological battle between leader Nick Griffin and Andrew Brons, which has led to the recent departure of two of the party’s MEPs has- in an official statement from the party- been identified as the direct result of the influence of ‘pakkies, darkies, benders, nig-nogs, jim-jams,kikes and the popularity of Usain Bolt and/or Ainsley Harriott’

However several party insiders have indicated that the rift has its roots in Nick Griffin’s leadership which, many agree, is moving the party away from their core principles and policies; policies which include harsher immigration regulation, increased defence spending, setting mosques on fire, economic distance from Europe and the organisation of groups of skinheads to stab up minorities in alleyways in Birmingham.

The move away from the traditional BNP model of dim young men in doc martins hurling bottles at black people and into the more politically tenable image of eerie men in suits shrieking invective about Sharia law on the BBC is thought to be the source of party unrest.

“Nope. It’s darkies.” retorted Party representative Brian Colshut.

“Our leadership is strong, our belief in Nick Griffin and our fear of his one, roving eldritch eye (which sees all) is as untarnished as ever. It is unfortunate that some have chosen to leave the party but that is not symptomatic of a lack of confidence in our leader. All it does prove, once again, is the insidious influence of Nigerians, with their dark jungle magicks.”

He continued, “Those tricky negroes have been trying to bring our party down with voodoo and rap for years. Yet the Home Secretary still refuses to let my lads exterminate them with baseball bats. It’s political correctness gone mad But anyway. This is not about any internal political strife. No sirree. It’s about shifty Sikhs and bummers.”

Nick Griffin is regarded as a slick political player within the party, despite looking like someone tried to make a sculpture of Adrian Chiles out of old pork using only a dull chisel and hate, and this shift in leadership style has been a cause for concern amongst many racists.

BNP member Quentin Crusp told us, “We respect the work that Mr Griffin has done in bringing more legitimacy and power to our organisation. In 2008 we secured a 5.2 per cent vote in the London mayoral election and secured one seat in the London assembly. You have no idea how many Ugandans that let us intimidate . So we appreciate the work."

“But there are a lot of us who wish to return to our more traditional values. This is a complex political world and to stand out your message has to be simple. At core ours is: we firmly oppose black people not being chased off the cliffs of Dover. Surrounding this main tenet with lots of legislation about the EU is all very well but we need to return to what we believe- no minority in Britain should live entirely without fear of violent reprisal. Simple.”

Neither Andrew Brons nor Mr Griffin have issued any official statement but many are speculating on a split in the BNP, perhaps resulting in a new, more militant new party. A coalition of legal immigrants have called the news ‘just absolutely fucking fantastic’


Plan to fire Andrew Lloyd Webber into Space Enters Phase 1

As it is announced that famous classical soprano and ‘Phantom of the Opera’ star Sarah Brightman will  join the ranks of private citizens to travel into space, the Shadow Culture Secretary has today assured the public that the circuitous plan to fire Andrew Lloyd Webber at the moon is continuing apace.

The statement, issued earlier this morning by Phalidami Whittakers MP, reassured a visibly relieved crowd that ‘Phase One’ is ‘proceeding like clockwork’. Pointing to the links between Brightman and Lloyd-Webber -they were married, collaborated on many musicals and remain close friends- she restated that this was to be the first link of the chain of events that have been set into motion that will surely lead to the composer and enemy of mirrors being sealed up in a capsule and being fired away from the surface of Earth as speedily as science allows.

“A precedent must be set” Whittakers told reporters, “A precedent for the spitefully posh and distressingly monied members of society, who have been responsible for decades of caterwauling about cats or phantoms or even jackets from the bible to start volunteering themselves to be stuffed into rockets and hurled into a vacuum.”

Fuck off, luv
“Brightman is our test subject. She has a strong personal connection to the Baron, having often appeared in his shrill and neverending  West End shows and she apparently slept with him on many occasions without turning to stone. If we can fire her off of the planet, well, first off hooray for us and for our ears but secondly, we can begin our preparations to snag that melted-Peter-Hitchens looking motherfucker.”  

Plans to send Webber spinning endlessly through space like the villains in Superman 2 were first initiated as far back as 1981 when the musical ‘Cats’ came to undue prominence. Letters of complaint flooded the Home Office, as distraught theatre patrons suffered through the trauma of dismayingly asexual spandex Macavitys high kicked around stage to the horror of the audience and mental health professionals everywhere.

However it was not until the televised contest ‘Any Dream Will Do’ wherein Lloyd Webber sat on a throne bidding young women to dance for his approval that the Government began stepping up the campaign to put him in an oxygen-free environment. “Seeing hopeful young actresses weeping before his medically unsound face as he perched on his golden throne like Henry the eighth crossed with a sarcastic toad really was the last straw” claimed Whittakers.

“It was then that we began approaching members of his inner circle with offers of trips to volcanoes, voyages to the bottom of the ocean and trips to space. Brightman was the first to accept, but she shall not be the last. We will wash the West End clean.We will finally be rid of this blight.”

Brightman will be spending the next six months in Russia’s ‘Star City’ cosmonaut training camp before she and her three octave voice will be fired to the International Space Station, which will then be annihilated with missiles.


Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Justin Lee Collins Found Guilty of ‘Campaign of Abuse’ Against C4 Viewers

Today comedy television presenter and sad lion impersonator Justin Lee Collins has been found guilty of carrying out a remorseless campaign of psychological violence, bullying and harassment on millions of defenceless and vulnerable Channel Four viewers.

The case was brought before the Crown Court in London last October after an anonymous single woman from Stoke came forward and told authorities about an alleged incident in which Lee Collins and an unnamed accomplice appeared in her home, through the medium of a broadcast called ‘The Friday Night Project’ and proceeded to bellow jokes about bums and Essex and Katie Price with such volume and spite that the victim was reduced to tears.

The court heard how Lee Collins,  the advertising department of Channel Four and the arid wasteland that is the British television schedule for Fridays, drove her back to the man again and again, in what was described as “a cycle of love, loathing and cheeky gags about the ginger one from Girls Aloud.”

The Court heard the testimony of thousands of similarly affected victims who came forward to describe the cycle of shame, dependency and abuse which kept people tuning in to the camp program every week, despite the effect it was having on their self esteem and sense of taste.

According to witness statements Lee Collins knowingly cultivated the persona of an ebullient bearded simpleton, and first came to fame through a series of C4 programs in which he reunited the casts of popular American TV shows by bellowing at them, beating them in the shower and forcing them to throw away any DVDs they possessed which featured men they were attracted to.

The hirsute comedian became a household name in 2009 when he partnered with popular camp rat Allan Carr for the Friday Night Project, which was the main means by which Collins carried out his campaign of dark sexual threats, clumsy political humour and awkward slapstick.

Carr, who defended Collins in a hilarious and innuendo filled testimony told the court that he never suspected Collins of harboring such terrible secrets deep within him. “And I’ve been deep within an awful lot of fellas, so I should know! Oooh. What am I like?!” he continued, to the amusement of the jury.

The jury also heard the campaign of obsessive jealousy that Lee Collins subjected viewers to. It was alleged that he would read the DVR and Tivo listings of viewers without their knowledge, deleting recordings of anyone he deemed funnier or hairier than himself. Popular conjurer Derren Brown also told the jury how Collins had once threatened him with a sharp chisel in a deserted aisle of B&Q when it emerged that the illusionist's televised stunt wherein he had hypnotized seven ordinary people to kill high profile US senators had garnered more viewers that Collins' japery.

Channel Four bosses are, in light of the verdict, distancing themselves from the career and dark obsessive sexual psyche of Lee Collins, although critics are united in calling for a public inquiry into how the broadcaster allowed the man entry into the homes of the weakest, most vulnerable and least discerning people in Britain

The Honorable Judge Anderson has sentenced Lee Collins to a hundred and twenty hours of community service, a year in a new youth oriented BBC3 sitcom and seventeen jokes from Jimmy Carr which will be broadcast within the next eighteen months


Evil 'Serious Literature Wizard' Banished from Back of Rowling's Head

Following the controversial publication of 'A Casual Vacancy', J.K Rowling's first foray into serious literature in which absolutely no wizards blow up dragons from the back of invisible phoenixes, a band of plucky English teenagers have come forward earlier today, claiming to have banished the evil 'Booker Wizard' from the rear of the Scottish author's cranium and back to the blackness from whence it came.

'A Casual Vacancy', which has received mixed reviews for its use of sexual violence, its bleak depictions of middle England and its tremendous lack of giants was published earlier this month by Random House; the publishing based on a secluded old island past a tempestuous sea that only one ancient railroad visits every full moon.

Rowling's announcement of the novel raised concerns among her core audience of children and Guardian readers when it was revealed that it would be aimed at a mature audience. Many were put off by this departure and the internet and the publishing world were awash with speculation in the intervening months as Rowling leaked details and (perhaps significantly) began appearing in public wearing an enormous turban with which she often appeared to be whispering.

However, following a pitched battle at around 11am today between the back of the 47 year old author's head and three plucky schoolchildren, the apparition appeared to vanish, having been bested by a spell made out of the purest emotion there is: a love of selling millions of books. The head-dwelling apparition paused only to shout "curssssses" and promise to return for larger and darker battles with the kids. A freed Rowling then took the children for a delightfully eccentric high tea, wherein she promised to once again begin writing about children and unicorns and Robbie Coltraine and lashings of wizards having a grand old time.

Acording to the precocious young Annabelle Fiddlethrump, whose bookish expertise proved key to the battle, the evil literature daemon was traced back to He Who Shall Not be Named, who was later revealed to be a pseudonym for Martin Amis. The erudite and darkly satirical Amis, whose novels are reputed to disdain broomstick jousting matches is suspected of entering Rowling’s scalp during the her testimony at the Leveson enquiry where she was seen carrying a well thumbed copy of ‘London Fields’ (which is thought to contain a shard of his soul.

Experts say that it is at this juncture that Rowling began to harbour the will to write a book about awful middle class people having emotional problems and talking symbolically about politics, instead of a magic orphan’s crusade to save an old Pegasus from a big snake. Rowling claims that this was the first manifestations of the eldritch whisper of Amis

“It was a mistake to try to write anything that did not feature at least seventeen wizards.” Claimed the author, “ These kids have taught me that. In my next book, ‘Hilary Puddles and the Cauldron of Unicorns’, each page will feature more wizards than the last, and that’s a promise. It’s going to be shitting mental.”

“Imagine me trying to write a serious, Daily Mail baiting state of the nation novel! Curse your dark machinations, Amis! Nope, it’s back to centaurs and wands and fuckloads of talking donkeys or whatever.”

“Hooray” cried the children in unison as they all returned to the quaint English railway station where they all disappeared.