Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Justin Lee Collins Found Guilty of ‘Campaign of Abuse’ Against C4 Viewers

Today comedy television presenter and sad lion impersonator Justin Lee Collins has been found guilty of carrying out a remorseless campaign of psychological violence, bullying and harassment on millions of defenceless and vulnerable Channel Four viewers.

The case was brought before the Crown Court in London last October after an anonymous single woman from Stoke came forward and told authorities about an alleged incident in which Lee Collins and an unnamed accomplice appeared in her home, through the medium of a broadcast called ‘The Friday Night Project’ and proceeded to bellow jokes about bums and Essex and Katie Price with such volume and spite that the victim was reduced to tears.

The court heard how Lee Collins,  the advertising department of Channel Four and the arid wasteland that is the British television schedule for Fridays, drove her back to the man again and again, in what was described as “a cycle of love, loathing and cheeky gags about the ginger one from Girls Aloud.”

The Court heard the testimony of thousands of similarly affected victims who came forward to describe the cycle of shame, dependency and abuse which kept people tuning in to the camp program every week, despite the effect it was having on their self esteem and sense of taste.

According to witness statements Lee Collins knowingly cultivated the persona of an ebullient bearded simpleton, and first came to fame through a series of C4 programs in which he reunited the casts of popular American TV shows by bellowing at them, beating them in the shower and forcing them to throw away any DVDs they possessed which featured men they were attracted to.

The hirsute comedian became a household name in 2009 when he partnered with popular camp rat Allan Carr for the Friday Night Project, which was the main means by which Collins carried out his campaign of dark sexual threats, clumsy political humour and awkward slapstick.

Carr, who defended Collins in a hilarious and innuendo filled testimony told the court that he never suspected Collins of harboring such terrible secrets deep within him. “And I’ve been deep within an awful lot of fellas, so I should know! Oooh. What am I like?!” he continued, to the amusement of the jury.

The jury also heard the campaign of obsessive jealousy that Lee Collins subjected viewers to. It was alleged that he would read the DVR and Tivo listings of viewers without their knowledge, deleting recordings of anyone he deemed funnier or hairier than himself. Popular conjurer Derren Brown also told the jury how Collins had once threatened him with a sharp chisel in a deserted aisle of B&Q when it emerged that the illusionist's televised stunt wherein he had hypnotized seven ordinary people to kill high profile US senators had garnered more viewers that Collins' japery.

Channel Four bosses are, in light of the verdict, distancing themselves from the career and dark obsessive sexual psyche of Lee Collins, although critics are united in calling for a public inquiry into how the broadcaster allowed the man entry into the homes of the weakest, most vulnerable and least discerning people in Britain

The Honorable Judge Anderson has sentenced Lee Collins to a hundred and twenty hours of community service, a year in a new youth oriented BBC3 sitcom and seventeen jokes from Jimmy Carr which will be broadcast within the next eighteen months


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