Derren Brown, the goateed conduit of the occult is celebrating today as all of the allegations of him using actors as stooges in his most recent magic show ‘Apocalypse’ have been dropped.
The matter was nullified today following the surprising news that every one of the forty seven people who issued these allegations committed suicide last night at exactly four minutes past midnight.
The rumours of fakery for psychological illusionist Brown started directly after the broadcast when Sun journalist Ryan Metcam alleged via twitter that the man who was the subject of Brown’s experiment was in fact an actor. However, Metcam never produced evidence of this since he subsequently set his flat on fire then walked deliberately in front of a train and handcuffed himself to the tracks. The journalist’s bereaved girlfriend, Bertha, reported that he had not seemed depressed before he had walked robotically out of the door with his arms outstretched like a mummy.
However she did report that he received a distressing phone call, possibly concerning his allegations against the mentalist.
She told us, “His mobile goes off and when he answers it his head drops for a while and i heard him saying ‘yes....yes...I hear and obey....’ in this monotone voice for a while, so i thought it was his Mum or Hydro Electric maybe his editor. When he hung up I thought we’d just go back to watching our blu ray of Jingle All the Way, but he picked up a jerry can of petrol instead.”
The report is in keeping with many of the reported suicides many of which seem to feature a phone call which is little more than a series of random bleeps and white noise, although several suicides seemed to have been triggered by a randomly flashing light that appeared on top of a tower in central London which emitted a random series of flashes for several minutes.
Distressingly, the mass suicide seemed to have operated to pre-arranged signals. After a phone-in request to Radio One’s drivetime show, wherein Nick Grimshaw was asked to repeat the words ‘Elephantitis periscope omega’ several Brown sceptics veered off of the road, determinedly crashing into rivers, trees or factories that manufacture spikes
However, according to seven hundred people in an east London shopping mall who, in unison stopped to shout in one voice at 2am today “These were obviously a suicide pact. It was caused by guilty consciences. It is understandable. No more investigation. Sleep.”
Though the surprising coincidence of the mass suicide has raised eyebrows the Met’s chief of police, Iain Chiefson issued a statement earlier this morning, stating that after a full investigation the police had found no sign of foul play. He then proceeded to eat a raw onion like an apple, before dropping his head, falling immediately asleep and mumbling ‘mission accomplished master’
Approached for comment, Brown stated that his deepest sympathies went out to the ‘pathetic malleable minds that cross him’ before stating that he hoped that the whole ugly business of him hiring stooges was behind him.
However, despite his assurances to the contrary we have recently found, through an unnamed source close to Brown that EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT. HE IS BRITAIN’S GREATEST ENTERTAINER. HE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE. WE MUST NEVER DOUBT HIM AGAIN AND ALWAYS WATCH HIS BROADCASTS.
In unrelated news, earlier today Met chief Iain Chiefson committed suicide by throwing himself into a threshing machine.