Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Plan to fire Andrew Lloyd Webber into Space Enters Phase 1

As it is announced that famous classical soprano and ‘Phantom of the Opera’ star Sarah Brightman will  join the ranks of private citizens to travel into space, the Shadow Culture Secretary has today assured the public that the circuitous plan to fire Andrew Lloyd Webber at the moon is continuing apace.

The statement, issued earlier this morning by Phalidami Whittakers MP, reassured a visibly relieved crowd that ‘Phase One’ is ‘proceeding like clockwork’. Pointing to the links between Brightman and Lloyd-Webber -they were married, collaborated on many musicals and remain close friends- she restated that this was to be the first link of the chain of events that have been set into motion that will surely lead to the composer and enemy of mirrors being sealed up in a capsule and being fired away from the surface of Earth as speedily as science allows.

“A precedent must be set” Whittakers told reporters, “A precedent for the spitefully posh and distressingly monied members of society, who have been responsible for decades of caterwauling about cats or phantoms or even jackets from the bible to start volunteering themselves to be stuffed into rockets and hurled into a vacuum.”

Fuck off, luv
“Brightman is our test subject. She has a strong personal connection to the Baron, having often appeared in his shrill and neverending  West End shows and she apparently slept with him on many occasions without turning to stone. If we can fire her off of the planet, well, first off hooray for us and for our ears but secondly, we can begin our preparations to snag that melted-Peter-Hitchens looking motherfucker.”  

Plans to send Webber spinning endlessly through space like the villains in Superman 2 were first initiated as far back as 1981 when the musical ‘Cats’ came to undue prominence. Letters of complaint flooded the Home Office, as distraught theatre patrons suffered through the trauma of dismayingly asexual spandex Macavitys high kicked around stage to the horror of the audience and mental health professionals everywhere.

However it was not until the televised contest ‘Any Dream Will Do’ wherein Lloyd Webber sat on a throne bidding young women to dance for his approval that the Government began stepping up the campaign to put him in an oxygen-free environment. “Seeing hopeful young actresses weeping before his medically unsound face as he perched on his golden throne like Henry the eighth crossed with a sarcastic toad really was the last straw” claimed Whittakers.

“It was then that we began approaching members of his inner circle with offers of trips to volcanoes, voyages to the bottom of the ocean and trips to space. Brightman was the first to accept, but she shall not be the last. We will wash the West End clean.We will finally be rid of this blight.”

Brightman will be spending the next six months in Russia’s ‘Star City’ cosmonaut training camp before she and her three octave voice will be fired to the International Space Station, which will then be annihilated with missiles.


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