Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Romney Secures Poll Lead by Conjuring Hurricane

As Hurricane Sandy ravages the East Coast of America, clearing the bustling streets of New York and cutting power across the city, the tragic weather has had one unexpected result since Mitt Romney’s popularity has jumped in response to his appearance in the very eye of the storm wherein he sits, stripped to the waist bellowing dire warnings about what will happen if people displease him further.

The floating presidential hopeful was facing dire odds in the last few weeks of his presidential campaign against Barack Obama due in large part to his dismissal of 47% of the electorate, his staunch conservative rhetoric and his practice of bursting the hearts of vagrants within their chests using only his merciless gaze.

However with the flagging race nearing its conclusion many Republican backers allegedly gave one final monetary donation to the Romney/Ryan super pac along with a goblet full of a virgin’s despair which the Massachusetts governor drank in one long draught while trapped in an antechamber inside Karl Rove’s mind.

Invigorated by the fiscal stimulus and the threat of the three point lead of his democratic opponent, Romney launched his last ditch effort on Monday by walking into the ocean where he seemed to sink without trace, only to reappear three hours later, sat cross legged and held aloft seemingly by swirling, accelerating winds. Following this appearance inside a ball of expanding force, Romney’s popularity and the wind speed off of the coast of America have been rising in tandem.

However, the full effects of the Governor’s PR hurricane have truly taken effect today when the winds controlled by Romney hit New York, bringing the metropolis to a standstill as Romney floated in the middle of Time Square with cars and trees and loose shoes whipping around him in what Fox News is calling ‘a decisive and Presidential show of power’

The arcane energy is thought to be a direct plea to any undecided voters and in Romney’s own words, (which resound through the skulls of the fearful) “Any who value the puny lives of their young”. Gallup polls taken earlier today among those cowered in shelters have shown that this bold strategy seems to be working, even among staunch liberals.

President Obama has been quick to condemn the Republican weather emergency, stating that such scare tactics and cheap theatrics would not work on the American electorate. However, rumour around Capitol Hill speculates that Obama has already dispatched a small armed response unit to a haunted fairground where Romney’s sons are known to be standing in a circle, staring at an orb made of malice. Many political insiders and one hooded old man with a mysterious scar allege that sinking seven blessed daggers into Tagg Romney could destabilize the storm, ending the state of emergency

The strategy is the first of its kind since Richard Nixon took the form of a wolf in order to eat a very chinese man to win over the notoriously tricky swing state of Ohio, although the Republican party has always been accused of using arcane powers to their advantage, albeit covertly.

This latest wind attack on New York- a traditional democrat safe state- has been seen by some as a bold power play for the upcoming election which, if successful could herald in a dramatic change in the way tornadoes are used in elections are held from now on


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