Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Prince Charles Letters Suppressed Due to Admission about ‘Princess Di’ and ‘Brake Pads’

The injunction that Whitehall has placed on a set of letters between avuncular ear display unit Prince Charles and several MPs has drawn fire today. However several lawyers and journalists who have seen the leaked documents have supported their suppression on the grounds that the contents are “too private”, “too controversial” and “too upsetting to fans of Princess Diana being alive”.

The prince’s defense QC, James Pendleton admitted, “There are some vague mentions of cars, the Prince’s late wife and the ‘chassis crumple zones of Q-reg Benzes’ but anything extrapolated from that is pure conjecture. My client deserves privacy.”

The revelation of the suppression of the letters have led many to speculate on their contents, wondering at the personal beliefs held and history of automotive murders committed by the Royal, which have scarcely ever been hinted at in interviews.

However Chief Justice Geoffrey Dredd told us today, “The letters were suppressed for private reasons and cannot be discussed. Nor can the reasons. However, between you and me, don’t think about all that homeopathy bullshit that he yaffles on about. Think brake pads, think Paris, think of a Mercedez Benz W140 with its suspension cables interfered with. I’ve said too much.”

The injunction, which  is protecting the 27 letters which date between 2004-2005, is being threatened by the Freedom of Information act and pressure from the Guardian. In response, the Prince  directly addressed the Guardian’s lawyers, calling for privacy, then making a series of ominous skidding and crashing noises with his mouth.

Prince Charles

The private opinions of the tax funded elite who wave at British citizens from castles several times a year have always been the cause of curiosity. Royal procedures and decorum have always dictated that the head of state remains ideologically neutral to avoid seeming to influence political policy.

However, ever since the Queen was overheard to confess that she found the Irish to be “ dirty, pug faced, potato humping, mud brained thieves who need to be put in their place at any cost” speculation has run rampant on the opinions of the ruling class.

Such breaches in royal PR are vanishingly rare due to the high level of criticism they draw, such as when on a visit to a Manchester paediatric hospital Princess Anne was overheard admitting to a footman that she would rather “be brained with a dull brick at birth than be born a mancunian prole” before jokingly offering to provide the service for free.

Among other royal revelations are that Prince Harry, inspired by the film ‘Hard Target’, believes that gypsies make ‘excellent sport’, the Duchess of Cornwall refuses to touch black people and The Earl of Westfesterham enjoys galloping at poor children in a specially built chariot.

Prince Charles has, until this point largely managed to remain above the fray, displaying neither personal opinions nor, seemingly the facility to have them. However the release of the letters may change that. Though none have been allowed to see them, the envelopes themselves have drawn a lot of attention, featuring as often as they do doodles of blonde women impaled on steering columns.

The controversial court case is ongoing


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