The National Atheist Convention held in Melbourne Australia- the first such gathering of its kind- has been shut down by police due to charges of public obscenity after its audience and speakers were found arranged in a large oval, visibly masturbating each other in what is colloquially known as a ‘massive circle-jerk’.
The erotic display of non believers has been claimed to have be an unplanned phenomenon and interrupted a lecture given by AC Grayling on funny ways to dismiss a mormon.
AC Grayling commenced the orgy
“It just kind of happened.” Claimed attendee Justine Juddersnatch, “I was listening to another erudite story about how bone headed christians might as well believe in the events of the movie The Fifth Element, and I was just feeling so snug and secure and right. It’s a powerful feeling and when I noticed that the man seated next to me was thrumming away in my panties like a guitar player with Parkinsons I didn’t even really protest. Of course, when I looked at what my own hand was doing, I found that I was working a shaft like a milkmaid who was also, similarly afflicted with Parkinson’s disease”
The spectacle at this first international and high profile gathering of vocal anti-theists is thought to have put a dent in the growing momentum behind the atheist movement. Beginning around the time of the publication of the God Delusion the philosophical and scientific atheist movement has been spreading rapidly and challenging religious dominance with its combination of reasoned scientific discussion, sighing, eye rolling and weaponized smugness
“Some of the organisers made a small effort to break us up, but you could see that as soon as they entered the fray they just wanted a seat at the wank-table. No one wants to be left out. We just became like this single organism of busy hands and a satisfaction with our own unassailable standards of logic and reason. It was pretty hot.”
Christopher Hitchens rallied weary spirits and wrists
“The only one who didn’t join in was Chris Hitchens, actually. About an hour in we were flagging and all of a sudden we see him step up to the podium and start reading aloud from God is Not Great. Well, you can imagine, even the chapter headings refreshed our desire to wank each other into the godless oblivion of death. It was just Hitchens’ voice guiding us with his scorn of Catholic doctrines and hands working in a blur. If I was forced to imagine what heaven was like without vomiting out of hate at the intellectual concession, it wouldn’t be far off that onanistic heap that we became.”
King atheist, Richard Dawkins was thought to be at the centre of the pile and is said to have been seen emerging from the meeting looking like a ‘man made of unpainted, fresh papier mache’.
Arrests and prosecutions of the obscene public display are ongoing but complicated by the seeming absence of instigators.
Senior Features Correspondent