Friday, 16 December 2011

Banksy Unmasked as Brian Sewell

The art world was rocked today by the revelation that the anonymous graffiti artist Banksy was actually octogenarian art critic Brian Sewell all along.

Sewell, whose secret identity was revealed when an art critic from the Guardian stormed the stage at his latest exhibition and pulled off his balaclava, has admitted to using the secret identity as a means of “proper revolutionising the art world and shitting up the system, yeah?”

The surprising news came at the opening of Banksy’s latest work, ‘Cardinal Sin’ in which a bust of a priest has been reconfigured to appear pixellated as a comment on the church’s many sexual abuse scandals. Sewell who was able to speak about his work as himself for the first time, said “It’s Christmas time, innit, and this year the Man wants you to swallow all them jolly little lies about Jesus and McDonalds and the Church and good will to all men an’ dat. And i’m like, well look at this, you bunch of paedos. I see your lies and I’m tearin’ em down wiv my truth hammer. Starbucks is a bunch of wankers and all. Deal wiv it.”

Banksy’s anonymity has been a point of much debate in the art world for a long time, many thinking that his lack of identity enables him to avoid becoming a part of the art world. Thought to be a Bristol-based street artist Banksy’s dentity has been the subject of much investigation but had remained shrouded in mystery despite national fame and a feature film. The future for Banksy is now in doubt since he will be known to be the acerbic and conservative Oxford educated critic.

On the birth of Banksy, Sewell told the press: “I been an art critic for years now, and about ten years ago i was at the Tate wiv all them bourgeoisie ‘artists’ tryin’ to shake up the Man with their grants and their degrees and their scholarships from the ‘University of Conformity and Brainwashing on Trent’, and I was all like ‘I am sick of these corporate whores. I gotta take it to the streets, i gotta bring my shit to the sleepwalking masses’.So I quaffed that slave-trade champagne and went to the all night garage, got some spray paints and started my war that night. My canvas is the underpass wall, you feel me? My audience is the pissed up tramp. That’s who gets my truth not you broadsheet bolshevik bastards”

“That night I drew a nun with the head of Hitler pissing into a coke bottle that was on fire in a Cambodian sweatshop that was staffed by kids who all had Tony Blair’s face. It was a truth bomb. Nobody seeing that on their way to the rat race could look at their office mis-manager in the eye. That one mural gave birth to a hundred Che Guevarras. Ever since then I had this secret identity”

Sewell stated that his age, genteel manner and patrician voice has helped him avoid arrest, “I’d be painting the Truth on the side of some car park wall and the rozzers would come round. Usually I can smell bacon, but sometimes they can sneak up on ya. Then I’d just put on the voice and go ‘Oh, my dear chaps, I appear to have gotten quite lost, I’m afraid senility and a touch too much brandy might be to blame’. Them pigs lap up that upper class shit. Then they’d drive me home, not knowing I’d undermined their whole way of life wiv a mural of a judge touching up a war widow on a pile of dead soldiers.”

Sewell would not comment on the uncertain future and career of ‘Banksy’

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