Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Astronomers Discover Planet in Slightly Less Financial Woe Than Earth

Astronomers behind the kepler telescope have discovered one of the few inhabitable earth-like planets in our galaxy, and have been able to ascertain that it is in significantly less of a shit shape than Earth is, through close observation.

The planet, designated Kepler 22-b (affectionately dubbed Earth 2.0) , has been identified 600 lightyears away from all of the trouble with the recession, global instability and general rampant twattery. Though the Kepler astronomers have been unable to state with any degree of certainty whether the surface of 22-b is liquid, gas or solid it is almost certain that there are no Greek bankers there and Silvio Berlusconi is not visible on the planet surface touching up a secretary and failing to govern a nation.

The EU, in conjunction with NASA have begun laying out plans to move a percentage of the population there as soon as feasible.

Dr. Rory Featherplank, head of the proposed ‘do-over’ operation said; “We’re pouring all of our resources into building a massive rocket. After that we can have another crack at this whole ‘humanity’ thing.”

The planet is 2.4 times larger than earth and has a temperature of 22C- a temperature which scientists have pointed out is not changing due to industrial scale pollution so massive it seems like an inborn cultural deathwish. It is unknown whether there is life on the planet though it is confirmed that 2-b could hold sentient life. Experts have confirmed that any existing carbon based life would almost certainly not have been hunted into extinction because he upper classes thought it made a yummy soup or because a sect of 22-b’s population thought that the lifeform’s ground up skulls would make their boners last longer.

Featherplank laid out the ethos behind ‘do-over’; “Here’s the deal. We each get the material for one pretty decent cabin, a communal supply of food and one thousand wooden rectangles which will be the basis of the new economy. That’s what everyone arrives with. We start from the basics again and see if we can see our way to not fucking it up this time. Clean slate. Whaddaya say?”

“A few ground rules. We each read these books of world history. No one can claim to be a head of a church or to speak for some God. Absolutely no slavery, I cannot stress that enough. Genocide is off the table, sweatshops will be frowned upon. Look, I could go on, but I think you get the picture; don’t be a dick. Everyone just be cool this time round, alright?”

“Listen, I don’t like talking to you like this either but c’mon remember the Crusades? Remember South Africa? Remember Sting and 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps? We can put all of these atrocities behind us in Earth 2.0. Or, stay behind here and wait for North Korea to bomb everyone into oblivion for whatever damn reason”

However, Operation Do-over has already run into difficulties, with heated debate over which shall be the main religion of the new planet. One proposal sees the planet split into two even zones- one for catholics, one for protestants. Religious leaders argue that this religious equality is a good foundation for the new planet and will never turn into bitter holy wars.

Felix Prenderghast
Senior Features Correspondent

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