Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Extreme Weather Stalls Construction of Government Wicker Man

The fierce weather conditions and high speed winds gripping Britain have brought the Government construction of a two hundred meter high Wicker man to a temporary halt

The ceremonial effigy which is being assembled on a lay line seven miles south of the Dundee is being constructed by the Department of Agriculture and the Occult, but the hurricane force winds have been said to have halted its completion and even torn parts of the original structure off.

2009’s successful burning

David Cameron has personally expressed concern for the Wicker Man stating; “I refused to build one last year and I can’t help but feel that ignoring that tradition has somehow cast a pall over Britain’s prosperity this last year. It might be silly but I can’t help but suppose that there are reasons for Britain’s current state that may be outwith my understanding or,indeed, the ken of man. Can my neglect of the annual sacrifice be blamed? I can’t rule it out. Also I murdered a gypsy in June.”

The construction which is being overseen but Conservative Party druids is scheduled for completion for when the moon enters the seventh house but some fear that the completion of the project may have to be pushed back to the day of the Seven Wolves- a far less auspicious starting date. Contractors working in conjunction with the MET office have so far been unable to provide a stable date whereby the woods and wickers will be dry enough to burn with the required intensity.

Lead Druid Phil Dixon has assured the public; “We already have the sacrifices to hand. We selected some of the illegal immigrants with low ranking skill set in accordance with government guidelines, gathered together some young offenders we didn’t like the look of and we’re set to stuff the legs of the thing with seven Border Collies- a breed with a lot of eldritch significance, we hope. We really are set to go, but all the red tape and health and safety restrictions, not to mention the weather have really slammed the brakes on us here.”

Lead Druid Dixon has assured the public the burning will go ahead

The sacrifice, though deemed legal through the 1987 Crops and Honey Preservation act has reportedly been under a high level of investigation. The construction team claim to be dealing with close scrutiny from the local constabulary. A devoutly christian police sergeant is said to have been seen further delaying the construction with interruptions, questionings and a crisis of faith. However, Druid Dixon has informed us that “he will not be a problem for much longer”.

Political analysts have already said that critics will be sharpening their knives for the coalition government if they cannot secure a symbolic ceremonial burning to ensure the prosperity of the British Isles for the coming year, which may account for the skyrocketing budget of the wicker man.

Tickets to the event- which still refer to the original date of ‘the hour of moonblood on the hallowed eve’ is said to still be valid and will be honoured on whatever date the ceremony will be held on.

Felix Prenderghast

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