Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Leveson Inquiry To Decide Whether Piers Morgan is an Idiot or Criminal

The board taking evidence around the News International phone hacking scandal took the evidence of Piers Morgan yesterday but his testimony is being questioned by one of his former employees. While the former editor of the Daily Mirror claims that he is a complete and utter dunce, incapable of noticing anything beyond his love for the bloated, porcine smirk-holder that is his face Ex-Mirror Journalist James Hipwell has come forward to assert that Morgan is actually an odious criminal ooze who profits from the dreary stolen misery of ‘celebs’ and murdered children.

The Leveson Inquiry is set to have a separate hearing to decide on exactly what kind of a shit Mr. Morgan actually is.

Giving his testimony to a panel of MPs and lawyers Morgan claimed to be so inept and blind to events in his own office that the activity of phone hacking would have been absolutely shocking to him. Morgan claimed that he was already too busy dreaming of becoming a CNN chat show host, fawning over a Ricky Martin or a Kardashian, that he would have been completely unaware of the open, public and endorsed illegal actions of the journalists bringing stories directly to him.

Giving his testimony Morgan told the panel: “I am as dumb as a bollard. I am like a sack of stool samples, IQ-wise. I’m a plank brained pillock, quite honestly. Phone hacking? Do you mean taking apart a nokia with a hatchet? My mind is a mush of odious dreams where the celebrities I so hate finally accept me and I can become one of them- but like in that Brian Yuzna film ‘Society’. I just sat in my office all day twiddling my dick and covering my ears when people would talk about ‘sources’”

However, according to Hipwell, a journalist who served under Morgan for many years, this description of the editor as a feeble minded and shallow cretin is a cunning ruse to escape culpability in the scandal. Hipwell has testified that though Morgan may well be a shallow and fame obsessed man, he knew and indeed forced the hacking of phones because the immorality of the actions gave Morgan a sick sexual thrill.

Hipwell told the jury; “It became very clear as I worked there that most of the showbiz stories came from the use of these methods. I remember bringing up the illegality of the actions at an editing meeting and Piers simply cackled for seven minutes and then hacked into the phone of a widow. I think it was just to show he could, she didn’t know anything, we all simply sat and listened to messages of condolence for ages and he just stared at me the whole time with that face of his- that face that looks like if a side of ham learned how to be pleased with itself.”

“Piers was the beating heart of that paper. There wasn’t a depressed mother of a famous drug addict whose privacy was violated without a hearty belly laugh and a thumbs-up from him.”

Mr Morgan has countered Hipwell’s claims by saying “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. What?”

The Leveson Inquiry, confused by these competing allegations of idiocy or malevolence on the part of Piers Morgan is said to be calling more Mirror journalists to try to build a complete picture of what manner of tool Piers Morgan actually is.

The Leveson Inquiry is ongoing.


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