Thursday, 1 December 2011

Seven Arrested in Amish Haircut Spree

Seven men have been arrested for a spree of forcible beard cuttings and haircuts that has terrified an Amish community in Ohio. The Judge overseeing the prosecution of the men, once he had been convinced that he was not still asleep and dreaming of adorable crimes, labelled the assailants’ assaults as “quaintly monstrous”.

The apprehended men come from an Amish splinter group, which is apparently a thing that exists.The sect, having set up it’s own candlelit eighteenth century farm nearby, began carrying out a series of blitzkrieg-style hair attacks on their previous home. Forcibly restraining the other Amish under the cover of night the seven men would set about trimming their beards and hair, the silliness of which is an intentional attempt to amuse god according to the Amish faith, making their shaving an act of intentional blasphemy.

Two victims of the terrifying barbery

Assault victim Levi Miller described the attack: “They held me down, I didn’t see any faces, by Jehova. It was then I heard them. Electric trimmers, as if the crime wasn’t bad enough already. They took those devil’s scissors to my beard and then they moved on to the op of my head. Styled! With moulding clay- that blasted modern contrivance. if they could have given me a mustache they would have.”

The splinter group, in their defense, claim that they left the main Amish reservation in response to the rule of one amish elder who is alleged to have gone on an unreasonable barn raising and butter churning spree, asking the members of his community to toil even harder than they already do. Sect Leader Bishop Samuel Mullet claims;“There wasn’t even anything in the barns toward the end.We were just building them to build them. I enjoy ceaseless chores as much as any Am but it became about power instead of impressing God with our ability to store grain without tractors”

Police are prosecuting the seven sect members under assault and religious intolerance laws. The affected Amish community are attempting to have them prosecuted for littering too, since the assailant’s reign of terror also included leaving modern appliances around the settlement in a deliberate and provocative temptation to the stringently backwards Amish community.

Levi Miller recalls his temptation, “I came out of the shack at dawn for another day of milking things, churning and wearing wide brimmed hats but as soon a I stepped out of the door I saw it. A 32inch Dolby plasma screen with built in surround sound. Not just that but a blu ray player and a copy of Avatar. I mean, I’ve heard it’s better in 3D, but still, it’ll probably still be way more exciting than my usual passtimes of whittling crucifixes and looking at the cows. Just as God intended.”

The settlement was also littered with iPod shuffles pre-filled with a selection of ambient hip-hop and techno, laptop computers, handheld game devices and battery operated pepper mills. “It was a nightmare. they were everywhere. Just when i thought I had cleared the last of the devil’s playthings out of the farm I would go to milk my cow and find a bluetooth dongle tied to one of her udders. Oh, it was a plague of stylish and ergonomical wireless appliances!”

The trial of the seven renegade Amish is ongoing, though several hair salons around Ohio have promised members of the sect jobs as stylists after their jail term is served.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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