Wednesday, 30 November 2011

“I’m a man of my word”: Clarkson shoots striking workers

Jeremy Clarkson was apprehended last night by the Metropolitan police after executing seventeen striking public sector workers with a high powered rifle he usually only uses on gypsies or cyclists.

While being shoved into the back of a police van Clarkson told reporters that he was merely fulfilling a promise he made on TV. “I’m a man of my word. People say I only have inflammatory opinions for effect or for money paid to me by News International, but I think I’ve proved today that I back up all of my words with hollow-point justice.”

Clarkson issues his fatal threat.

The ‘words’ Clarkson was referring to pertain to his controversial appearance on BBC One’s flagship light entertainment program The One Show that evening wherein he was asked what he would do about the striking Public Sector workers. The car loving millionaire responded “I’d have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families. I mean how dare they go on strike when they’ve got these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed while the rest of us have to work for a living”.

The statement was thought to be a typically tongue in cheek slice of right-wing wit from the vetran broadcaster but just hours after issuing his promise, Clarkson ascended a clocktower with an attache case and picked off random workers holding placards. Police surrounded his location minutes into the spree and apprehended the Top Gear host with little struggle.

Speaking from his cell Clarkson was calm and proud of his actions. “I said that I would do it. Me. My only regret is that I couldn’t guarantee the families of the ones I killed were there to see it. I just thought of those gilt-edged pensions and saw red. Why should a retiring teacher be guaranteed anything when I’ve had to work hard for years, driving fast cars and comparing them to stupid things Every. Single. Week to guarantee my own future. I’ve lived on a financial razor’s edge for years, having to put in that graft. Y’know some of those cars were really rubbish at cornering. Tell that to someone that works as a firefighter for 30 years though and what’ll they do? Ask for another government hand out. Get your own Sunday Times column, mate!”

One Show presenters reacting to his promise of carnage

The One Show was flooded with complaints as soon as the £1m per year broadcaster issued his warning. Host Matt Baker, recalls the moment, “I know he’s known for this kind of stunt but the way he said it sent chills through me. The eyes, i think it was the eyes that did it. Such bottomless rage at the people striking against a 4+ year pension cap in the face of massive inflation and financial turmoil which would act as a massive pay cut in practical terms. Honestly, it came as no surprise when i first heard the news, I just wondered how many he’d end up getting. Hammond must be stricken.”

The One Show has apologized for the broadcast and the denim and V8 loving Clarkson is now on suicide watch in Wormwood Scrubs

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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