Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Majority of Republican Presidential Nominee Campaigns “Just a Bit of a Lark”

The beleaguered Republican Presidential Campaign has been revealed to be either a “laugh”, a “prank gone awry” or a “bet I made with my buddy Pete a couple months back” for almost the entire roster of candidates.

The frank admissions of the various senators has come after several months of heated political jostling, with new candidates rising in opinion poles rapidly only to be knocked down after a brief period of exposure. After a guilt fuelled late-night meeting between several of the inadvertent presidential frontrunners, a joint statement was issued this morning to explain why they had been so rubbish at politics and why (those who could remember) had wound up in this crazy fix.

“We’re sorry for taking up so much of your time. It all just got out of hand”

Early favourite and massive death penalty enthusiast Rick Perry blamed his alcoholism, frequent blackouts and his buddies’ propensity for goading the Republican Senator into dangerous or outrageous bets like setting fire to neighbours’ mailboxes or running for political office “How’d you think I wound up senator in the first place?” Perry asked reporters this morning. Perry gained support early on due to his charismatic presence which promised to return America to the golden time where they were lead by an avuncular but scatterbrained white Texan because that always works out well for everyone. However, his bourbon-fuelled campaign has finally ended, partly because of his drunkard’s inability to form coherent sentences. Perry has withdrawn his candidacy.

Michelle Bachmann was the next fraudulent GOP darling; a candidate who married staunchly conservative views with the exciting facet that she seemed to be technically, medically female and would be the first ‘woman’ to be President. However after a controversial race full of radical religious rhetoric, Bachmann revealed that she was actually performance artist/comedian Julie Feldstien and that her debates were meant to be cutting edge comedy but after the first few were taken at face value she “just got swept up in the hooplah”. Bachmann/Feldstien has withdrawn candidacy and is currently shooting a movie with Will Ferrell about a folk musician who is mistaken for a notorious pimp with hilarious results.

It turned out that John Huntsman was a very lifelike scarecrow and Rick Santorum claims he ticked the wrong box on an online questionnaire and then just “went with it. Why not?”.

Weary voters were willing to overlook latest favourite Herman Cain’s ethnicity because he spoke well, appeared to dislike hippies and said he loved America. However, after several sex scandals and a taped interview where he took seventeen minutes to remember what Syria was, it became clear that pizza mogul was just bored and trying to amuse himself. “I never thought it would go anywhere” Cain claims, “It was just nice to get out of the house and meet new people. Everybody should have a go, you get free meals, stay in nice hotels and people listen to your ideas about what places we should invade.”

Following these admissions the GOP candidacy is a three-way race between a sinister chubby fellow called Newt, Mitt Romney and a charcoal sketch of Ronald Reagan, all of whom have promised that they really do mean to be running for President, honest. However Romney’s pinkie swear has been questioned recently after he confused his middle name and his first name when introducing himself to a room full of people and cameras. Analysts are speculating that he’s clearly taking the piss but just feels like he’s in too deep now.

President Barrack Obama has been unavailable for comment due to his spending the last three straight months laughing and buying more furniture for the White House.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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