Monday, 21 November 2011

Investigation into Deputy Prime Minister Continue as Body of ‘Real’ Nick Clegg Found in a Ditch

London Metropolitan Police continue to hold the man who has been the Deputy Prime Minister for an undetermined period of time following the discovery of the body of the real Nick Clegg. The body, found in a ditch in Staines by an unnamed rambler and his dog, has been forensically tested and two seperate teams of experts have confirmed it to be Liberal Democrat leader Clegg. In light of this, the unknown Clegg-impostor, who held the second most powerful position in British politics has been arrested and brought in for questioning.

Professor Peyton Westlake who lead the first medical examination on Clegg’s cadaver had this to say to the BBC yesterday; “We can confirm that the body was in a very advanced stage of decomposition.This made identification a far lengthier process than we would usually hope for but we can confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that that ditch-corpse is the former Lib Dem leader." When pressed for a time of death the professor responded; “Years, easily. I mean the date of death could conceivably go all the way back to the coaliti...Hmmm. Never mind.”

Who could this man possibly be?

Westlake continued; “We have ascertained that death was caused by two gunshot wounds. One to the cranium and one to the chest. Very close range, very accurate. Very...professional. Also some contusions and incisions we have found indicate that blood and bone marrow were taken around the time of death. This procedure is consistent with an in-depth DNA collection....My God, you don’t think....? No, no, it’s too monstrous. The’s inconceivable. Excuse me, I have to go.”

However this testimony has been called into question following the suicide of Professor Westlake last night whereby the elderly physician shot himself in the heart after throwing himself down a flight of stairs. The suicide note found on his body claims that he was wrong in his estimation of the time of death as well as any other ‘wild accusations and theories’ he may have been ‘unwisely blabbing on about’. As such, the exact date and manner of Clegg’s death is not certain.

The arrest of the Clegg-a-like has sent shockwaves through Parliment. When the news broke in the middle of prime minister’s question time several MPs- Theresa May, Oliver Letwin and a handful of Millibands among them- had to leave immediately and were later seen leaving in a large SUV with several aides for ‘security reasons’.

David Cameron has been quick to assure the public that a full scale investigation will be launched and that Downing Street will co-operate fully with the Metropolitan Police. He was also confident that the bizarre identity theft of Clegg would be a one-off. In a press conference on the steps of number 10 he said; “While we will give the investigators all the information and support we can, we are quite confident that no other dopplegangers will be found. Yes, quite confident. There will be no others discovered. Oh yes, we are very sure.”

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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