Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Osborne Unveils Autumn Report, Proposes Return to Barter System

Economists and public sector workers, as well as everyone else, received a grim look into the financial future as Chancellor George Osborne unveiled his Autumn Statement where he outlined a proposed return to the medieval barter system of trade.

Osborne, speaking to the House of Commons said, “Our economy has become too bound to the unstable eurozone and the US market which is similarly hard to predict. With Greece’s fall and Italy’s crisis isn’t it time to cut ourselves off from these leperous limbs and pull away from the complicated business of stocks and shares and interest rates and lending. That’s what got us in this mess after all. I say to the people of Britain that if you can exchange a chicken for a bundle of firewood or a copy of Heat then that is what you should do from now on”

Osborne gives bleak outlook for low income workers

“People are sick of Government intervention and even more sick of bankers telling us what things are worth and how much we all collectiely owe somehow. The people of this country know how much things are worth, they know how many pigs you can trade for a plasma screen telly. We are a savvy nation; we know how to haggle. I believe that the great British public can easily transition to this simpler, less controlled, less arbitrary financial system.”

Chancellor Osborne also unveilled a series of new initiatives and cuts designed to transition Britain into the new financial system. Most notable were:

-Fuel pricing and distribution to now follow ‘mad max rules’

-Retirement age extended till “the dark relief of the grave”

-Public Sector workers can “fuck right off”

-All Jobcentres to be put on stilts accessible only by barbed wire ladders

-All Jobcentres to randomise their opening hours, to be open only 3 hours per week

-£1bn investment in alchemy

-Borrowing set to increase until someone sends bailiffs round to take all the roads

-All Unemployed under-20s asked to “please get a job. Somehow. Anywhere, just please do this for us. Either that or just don’t sign on. Or emigrate. Oh, and don’t breed.”

-Tax rates of highest earners to be revised, haha only kidding

Osborne admitted that “things do look a little bit Weimar” but assured the Commons that under his plan the cost of living would increase at a steady, dependable rate, that the average income would fall “entirely in line with what we can predict” and that very soon the times when we as a species attributed value to little pieces of paper or discs of metal would have passed and we would all see how silly it was to have done so.

Osborne faces fierce backlash over these measures but claims that critics should take comfor in the fact that if his plan takes effect then there will be no need for another Chancellor of the exchequer for another century at least.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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