Sunday, 20 November 2011

George Osborne a ‘perma-tanned arse-ache’ since GQ award

Following his win of ‘Politician of the Year’ at the glossy GQ awards in September, Whitehall insiders have reported that George Osborne has become a “preening cockbag more concerned with moisturizers than the economy”. An unnamed civil servant has come forward to say that the gong has gone to the Chancellor of the Exchequer’s head and matters of party policy are taking a lower priority than ‘spray tans, poncy jeans and making torturous jokes about wanking.”

Osborne was said to have lowered the tone when accepting the award, making ill-conceived jokes about bankers and then masturbation that were received in a silence that was no doubt tinged with violent contempt for the powerfully placed Etonian. The anonymous civil servant who works closely with the coalition government claims,“That was the start of it. He was trying to fit in even there. Trying to be one of the lads. It’s spiralled out of control now. I passed him the other day and he smelled like a tart’s cadaver and he was wearing an ‘ironic’ cravat. Christ, this country’s doomed”

“He’s more style supplement than man now”

Others in government have have been more open about the change in Chancellor Osborne. Shadow Woodwind Secretary, Kenny Flask told the Guardian “I had to speak to him about a new public spending bill. I was talking for ten minutes but he wasn’t listening at all, he just looked at me really closely in this weird way. Then he starts on about how I should take care of my pores. Britain’s in a big pot of financial cock-stew, what with the recession and the state of the euro, and the man that’s meant to be on top of it is spending all of his time shopping for artisan watches and reading interviews with that pointy faced twonk from Twilight. Mind you, that cucumber balm has done wonders for my complexion.”

Many opposition MPs hope that these allegations will be followed up in a formal enquiry into Osborne’s professional conduct especially after reports of Osborne stumbling out of trendy London Hotspot The Físhmõnger’s with Kate Moss, Lilly Allen and an indie band, allegedly high on a club drug and loudly boasting about setting up the Office of Budget Responsibility in 2010 and making off colour jokes about a Greek trade delegation.

If these allegations are proved to be true Osborne’s political career may be over. David Cameron has already lent his support to his longtime political ally, saying “George always conducts himself in a proper and professional manner. If he’s started taking a little more pride in his appearance then that’s his prerogative. I haven’t seen his work suffer one bit.” The Prime Minister was less vocal when asked why he was suddenly sporting a gelled faux-hawk, pink FCUK polo shirt and enormous Gucci sunglasses just like the average trendy GQ reading idiot, instead calling the press conference to an end and storming off to a previous spa appointment.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

No comments:

Post a Comment