Sunday, 20 November 2011

Pope Urges Africans to Reject Voodoo Because Catholicism is so Much More Sensible

Pope Benedict’s tour of Africa drew to a close today with an open air mass in the home of Voodoo, Benin. In his address to the African people Pope Benedict appealed to Benin to reject the ‘farcical’ religion of voodoo and come to the Catholic faith where they believe in the teachings of a reanimated carpenter who lives on through bread that turns into human flesh in your mouth.

Addressing Friendship Stadium at the end of the three-day tour, the 84 year old pontiff castigated practitioners of voodoo for following such an outdated religion that can boast no factual evidence for belief in its doctrines. He said that he was not there to attack other religions but merely to draw new converts to the “fresh and relevant” Catholic religion that knows how the universe began and what happens after death as opposed to Voodoo which is “hokey, snake worshiping claptrap”.

Pope Benecict: “Trust me- Voodoo’s a bag of old pish”

The Pope was also scabrous in discussing the treatment of animals in voodoo, since it is well known that many ceremonies incorporate animal sacrifices. The pontiff referred his audience to the Catholic Church’s spotless record for cruelty to any living thing and also mentioned that according to his faith he was technically infallible, so they might as well just accept it, “It’s like a law.”

Claims of reanimation rituals- voodoo is said to have been the origin of the concept of zombies- also drew criticism from the living embodiment of God. “This is an impossible thing; to come back from the dead. Except if you are Jesus and maybe that other time with Lazarus, but Jesus was behind that one really. In essence you’ve got to be Jesus to do magic, not just some guy with a bunch of snakes and gold medallions and songs. There are rules to this stuff.”

“If voodoo is the true religion then why does it have no gold palaces?” Asked Pope Benedict XVI to the masses, “Where is your spiritual leader, and how tall is his hat? Does he travel in a bulletproof box? Come on, this is basic. If you’re just looking for something a bit mad let me explain transubstantiation to you. All I’m saying is give it a try. Unless you’re a queer.”

The Pope’s words are thought to carry a lot of weight in Africa, where the doctrines of the Catholic church- in particular their campaign against condoms as a means of birth control have alerted Africans to the ways in which prophylactics are alleged to spread HIV and do little to avoid unwanted pregnancy. As a result of this campaign many Catholic Africans have rejected traditional medical advice meaning that they will absolutely be fine and will live forever. In heaven.

Some voodoo practitioners, following the Pope’s visit took issue with his depiction of their faith. Chietwell Ungabbe told us,“It’s not all sticking pins in dolls, that’s just movie nonsense. Our religion is an all-encompassing way of life.” When asked if she was concerned about the state of her religion following the address she responded, “We’ll just have to wait and see. We can’t stop anyone leaving. Maybe there are people that want to go to the religion with all the abstinence and original sin. Or maybe they’ll stick with the one with zombies, dancing and snake deities.”

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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