Twilight Fans Discover How the Rest of Us Feel

The latest film in the Twilight series has been causing queasiness and seizures in what’s being described as an ‘overdue piece of cosmic justice’.

Breaking Dawn Part One is said to contain a particularly graphic birthing sequence wherein that grumpy looking girl gives birth to a vampire or a ghost or maybe Blade. The scene, shot from her perspective is said to be so graphic and full of quickly flashing colours that the pasty, swooning little girls and creepy older dudes in the cinemas have had to leave, be sick or even lose consciousness.

One of the many nauseating scenes

Despite it’s PG-13 rating the director Bill Condon stated that he wanted to push the envelope in terms of how he presented childbirth. The scene, where the birth hits complications and Robert Pattinson has to chew his new wife’s belly open to let the baby out is the cause of the sickness, largely because that is what happens in it.

Responding to this, an open letter from an informal union of movie lovers and people that have been dragged to this thing by loved ones was issued today.“This really is fantastic”, it begins, “Hopefully as you vomit in the aisles as the indifferent torso of Taylor Lautner looks down on you you’ll spare a second’s reflection for all the rest of us. That nausea is what we’ve been feeling for years. The ads, the hysteria, the T-shirts. We didn’t want to know what it’s about but now we do. And like Adam, that knowledge has torn us away from the bliss of not knowing anything about the romantic problems of glittery vampires who never do anything awesome and aren’t scary. I hope you choke on your vomit.”

Some critics claim that the content of the film is more nauseating than the style of direction, citing a part where the werewolf one really, honestly, no fooling falls in love with the newly born baby, because that’s what werewolves do apparently. The Twilight mythology labels it ‘imprinting’ but audiences around the world are seeing a man fall in love with a baby. And that man is also a wolf. Also there is a pro-life message in the film that some find disconcerting. But it’s mainly the baby-romance.

Even in the face of criticism, the existence of logic and the pleas of jaded moviegoers the film has taken record breaking amounts of money. Ever since the first movie, the series- about a girl who is in love with a dracula and a wolfman though they steadfastly refuse to fuck her because none of them are married and she might be a Frankenstein or something- has become a global sensation despite the fact that most of the plot seems to revolve around pale people staring at each other in fields.

Hearing about the sickness author Stephanie Meyer claims “they really captured the essence of my story, finally.”

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent