Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Transvestite Controversy Almost Makes FHM Relevant

FHM- the relic of a forgotten age where titillating pictures of women were printed on papyrus- made a bizzarre bid for relevance by including one of those androgynous men they have these days in their ‘100 sexiest women list’.

Serbian model Andrej Pejic is the anointed male who has been placed in the puzzling almanac, a move that has had equal rights groups struggling to discern what meaning- if any- can be placed on the choice.

Activist Penny Pendleshot mused; “Is it a step forward for gender equality? That’d be nice. I suppose it is. But then again, the aggressively blokey banter next to the picture makes disparaging jokes. They had to delete some ‘pass the sick bag’ line because of outrage, I hear. So then maybe it’s bad for gender equality? If it’s just being brought up to laugh at. I mean....I dunno....What IS FHM?”

FHM grapple with idea of a man that is also a lady

The ‘100 sexiest list’, released at the end of the Harvest season in accordance with ancient lad mag laws, is thought to be a thing of great significance. The ancient document of late nineties lad culture apparently still prints small pamphlets grading women and putting one provocative picture of them next to the grading. These pamphlets, despite holding merely a hundred pictures of actresses bending over- compared of the internet’s infinity- are still expected to be bought for genuine currency in markets.

It is unclear what power the printed images hold that would need to be purchased. When asked what significance or special power their single, static photograph of Mila Kunis in a low cut dress held over the mathematically uncountable electronic images, the staff of FHM were silent.

It is thought that a transvestite attaining the same symbolic power as a Pussycat Doll in those physical pages could be a positive portent for gender equality, like a ship leaving harbour under a crescent moon. Unfortunately, FHM is gnomically silent on the significance so it may be a poor omen for transsexuals and the willfully androgynous in society, like when a female calf dies in your barn signalling a bitter crop of yams.

Historian and anthropologist Prof. Giles Feldhaw is more optimistic; “This FHM was an item of celebration. It folded unguent flaps of designer odours in its paper pages and held images of fertile women wearing revealing gowns and news items of humorous intent. These were positive things. In fact some cultures thought that the first sign of manhood was the procurement of the bound maga-zine. If a thing is in it, we can assume it is endorsed.”

When asked about the offensive runic descriptions of Pejic- labelling him a ‘thing’, Feldshaw explained, “It was a pre-broadband ink-book. They were not desensitized and exposed to the things that later generations were. It was a simpler time.This man must have truly shocked them. We must simply ignore them once more and let them deal with this in the Old Ways.”

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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