Sunday, 20 November 2011

Outspoken Film Critic has more Reasonable Critic Trapped in Quiff

A technician at Radio 5 has revealed that renowned film critic Mark Kermode keeps a tiny and far less inflammatory film critic nestled in his silly quiff, in a tiny cage. The revelation came after the radio technician found the small man who had recently escaped in his lunchbox where he was making a bid for freedom and a job writing for the Culture section of the Observer.

The diminutive cinephile, Benjie Sniddletwix, took refuge in the sandwich receptacle and, upon discovery told his unwitting emancipator about life in the horror-loving critic’s hair-prison. “He said it’s like a fascist state up there. He thought he would be fine since he loves cinema as much as Mark does but every time the little man tried to engage the comparatively mountain sized critic and broadcaster in conversation, Kermode would just keep ranting on and on about how 3D was the death of cinema and if it was still around in a year he promises to eat James Cameron...all that silly histrionic stuff. I mean, Benjie agreed with him but apparently it’s all he ever talks about. Sounds dreadful.”

Pictured: Kermode and his prisoner

Kermode has made a living of his sometimes offbeat ideas and hilarious barnett, with a regular spot on radio 5 live where Simon Mayo wearily prods him into a thirty minute diatribe about how the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is worse than knife-crime every Friday. Kermode has swum against the critical tide in expressing the bizarre belief that The Exorcist is the best film ever even though it actually isn’t, saying that the Twilight films are very good, that the High School Musicals are a valid thing to point your face at for north of an hour and that an affection for tall hair and skiffle music is acceptable in the age of wireless internet and laser printers. The discovery of Sniddletwix throws Kermode’s entire history in doubt, though.

“He [Sniddletwix] said that most of the reviews come from him, really. The bulk of them that are just reviews of things and not a reactionary stand against some symbolic cinematic evil or a deliberate disagreement with everyone else on earth are all him. The review of Source Code? All Benjie. That endorsement of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy the other week? Pure Sniddletwix. he’s a pretty even-handed guy, actually, even though he’s two inches tall. In fact I’d much rather listen to a review show starring him, without all the preachy rants, but I guess that’s the kind of style that sells.”

“I asked why he keeps contributing, if he’s a prisoner. He told me that that Kermode’s an absolute monster. he runs the top of his head like it was Guantanamo Bay. If Sniddletwix is reluctant to give a balanced review Kermode can just withhold his daily allowance of bread soaked in milk and sometimes if he’s feeling cruel he’ll menace him with tweezers or a toffee hammer. The man’s an ogre. It was about this time that Kermode burst into the booth with a little butterfly net and that mad look in his eye. I put a used cup over him until that prat finally went away but when I lifted the cup he was gone. Christ knows were the little fella is now. On someone nicer's head, I hope. Maybe James King's."

Kermode is currently being questioned by Metropolitan police who did not find Benjie in their search through the critic’s daft hair, but their discovery of a small cage, some tiny letters asking for help and a microscopic retrospective on the work of David Lynch have given them cause for suspicion.

The search for Benjie Sniddletwix is ongoing.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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