Friday, 18 November 2011

People’s Sexiest Man Title Dispute Turns Violent

People Magazine yesterday named Bradley Cooper as 2011’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ but the announcement has sparked an internet outcry from fans of the actor Ryan Gosling who believe that the Drive star deserves the title. In the face of the outcry People’s senior editor Phillip Hornblower has announced that the matter will be finally settled in the publication’s underground thunderdome, should both actors agree to the competition.

“This really is Ryan’s year and he has a lot of very vocal supporters.” Says Hornblower, “ We placed him high in our list but it seems some think we didn’t place him highly enough. This is a democracy, though, so we’re quite ready to review our list and as soon as both men agree we can settle this in the only way we know how.” This, of course, refers to the infamous battleground kept in a subbasement of the plush Seattle offices of the magazine.

There can only be one People's Sexiest Man 2011

Bradley Cooper was reluctant to reply and when approached for comment, leaving an LA nightclub last night, only commented that he was honoured and embarrassed by the title but stressed that he respected Gosling’s talent and knew he was a “really great guy”.

Gosling, however, has been quick to accept the gauntlet, releasing a press statement early this morning claiming that “It would be a privilege to claim my rightful crown by meting out a brutal beating to this interloper, this child who thinks he can stand before me . I will break Bradley Cooper. I will see him lie before me shamed. I will drink his pain like sweet wine. I am Gosling. I am sexiest.” The note was found pinned to the carcass of a mountain lion which had been adorned with a mask of Hangover star Cooper and left outside the offices of The Daily Tribune.

Should Cooper accept the challenge, a match will be scheduled later in the month, with the combatants having the choice of an array of basic bladed weapons. The fight itself is largely unregulated and the winner has the honour of inflicting as many facial scars as they wish with People’s ceremonial dagger should they wish to render them -in accordance with thunderdome rules- “abhorrent to the eyes of man”.

Should the match go ahead it will be the first time the arena has been used since the marriage of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez fell apart, became acrimonious and ended with the two stars choosing champions to fight for them in single combat.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

1 comment:

  1. As a concerned reader, I am curious as to what the U.N. and perhaps Amnesty International would have to say about this sort of thing!

    Good work godhates#tags for casting a light on the dark topic.