Monday, 21 November 2011

Derren Brown Calls Forth Felzykrak, Lord of the Pain Demons

Derren Brown-television illusionist and gatekeeper to the Realm of Shadows- has revealed his circuitous plans to bring about the end of days. The admission came as he unleashed a host of spectral wraiths at a sold out show in London’s west end last night. The dapper magician and vocal skeptic informed a shocked audience that his years-long quest to destroy mysticism and mediumship in Britain was simply a gambit to pave the way for the “Horned Abomanation, the Blood-Serpent, the Master that drives my hand”.

The eccentric 40 year old explained to the theatre crowd and the people watching the live channel 4 broadcast Derren Brown Will Eat Your Soul: Live, that his entire career has been a charade. He claimed that his advocacy of atheism and skeptical rationalism and his programs exposing mediums and their ‘tricks’ were simply a necessary step in his plan to become grand wizard of earthrealm. “I made them appear as childish fools, overwhelming their magicks with my own subtle hexes. I shamed them, cast them out. I robbed the simian masses in their belief of the Other Side and slowly Britain’s psychic defences crumbled. CRUMBLED.” said the goatee sporting homosexual broadcaster as he turned the front row into clouds of hornets.

Derren infects the aura of Jo Whiley live on BBC Radio 1

He continued, to camera; “Since the senile fool Merlin locked me in the cage of torment I have plotted to see this isle fall to eldritch powers you could never fathom. Each step I took, from gifting second sight to David Tennant, to making that one guy think he was in a zombie game, to going on Children in Need with Simon Pegg, it has all been an intricate pattern, plotted by The All Seeing Shadow before this planet had even formed. Except for that thing where I stuck people to their chairs. That was just a laugh.”

Following the announcement and massacre, Brown has been floating above London on a raft of spectral crows, giving dire pronouncements to the panicked masses and reminding them that they can catch all of his specials on 4OD, the streaming Channel 4 catch-up service.

Emergency services have been unable to fight the uncanny horrors pouring out of the rift that Brown tore open in his sellout show, lacking as they do any enchanted weaponry, though Brown himself has proved a considerable impediment to police and ambulance services with his continual goading and the fireballs he frequently expels from his eyes. Metropolitan Police Chief Andy Gilhaney pledged to have all available officers scrambled to central London and called on Parliment to grant him emergency resources but shortly after this statement a dozen feathered serpents materialized and killed the senior officer, dragging him through a portal to a plane of purest torment.

While peers and fellow skeptics Richard Dawkins and James Randi have insisted that this is simply Brown’s most elaborate stunt to date, concern is mounting as the nation’s lakes turn to blood and a serpentine eye slowly opens in the sky above Coventry.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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