Friday, 25 November 2011

Army Reserves Set to Teach Classes During Teacher’s Strikes

Education Secretary Michael Gove is taking a hard line with teachers by announcing that classes will be staffed by army reserves during the upcoming strikes.

“If it worked with firemen it will work with teachers” Gove told the Times Education Supplement, “last teacher’s union strike a third of schools closed and a further third were partially closed. Never again. I can assure all parents and pupils that during the strikes Britain’s fighting forces will take charge of their education.”

Infantry reserves being taught about Elizabethan drama

Under Gove’s new plan thousands of Territorial Army volunteers are being briefed across the land in a crash course in Renaissance art, Egyptian history, French pronouns and the importance of Arthur Miller in American Literature. Each TA barrack is set to take a seperate part of the curriculum and then on the day of the strike, deploy its soldiers across the land as needed.

Leuchars TA base, whose recruits are to specialise in Drama, are being lead by Sergeant First Class Mark Ferguson. He claims that the men serving under him are more than up to the challenge: “These lads have been training to face down insurgent forces in hostile territory. Teaching inner city youths how to express the inner neurosis of masculinity we see in Mamet’s Glengary Glenn Ross may be a step up from that but we are a well oiled military machine that can overcome any obstacle.”

The National Union of Teachers is said to be stunned at the audacious move, threatening to up their pension demands and even extend the strike. “It’s an outrage to assume that just anyone can do our jobs, “ said NUT head Hilary Fisto, “Our demands are reasonable considering the pressures of our job. To see camouflaged men bringing sandbags, nets and bayonets into our schools in preparation for the TA’s special curriculum is a huge misstep on Mr Gove’s part. We will not stand for this. Besides, most of our pupils have their own bayonets”

The teacher’s union are asking for an increased pension allowance, extended sick leave and the re-introduction of corporal punishment in order to claw back some respect from the dead-eyed, knife-happy, happy-slapping, heavily pregnant, grime-core classes they have to deal with. Fisto added, “Actually just the beatings will do. Give me that and you can fucking have the pensions. There’s your compromise”

However, Michael Gove, flanked by TA infantry soldiers/geography teachers has effectively shut down any further negotiations. Gove said “with this army at my side, we can crush the unions! This government cannot simply hand out money for those who require it, so for this day onward, any striking force will be taken over by our brave boys. D’you hear me Bob Crow? Our trains have needed military attention for too long. See you on the picket lines.”

The nationwide teacher strike is still scheduled for later in the month.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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