Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Newt Gingrich Accused of Not Hating Mexicans Enough to be President

Republican Presidential Candidate Newt Gingrich has come under fire for immigration policy that many of his Conservative backers have described as “too lenient” and “lacking the proper bloodlust of a leader”.

Gingrich spoke last night at another of the eternally recurring GOP debates which is due to be broadcast on Tuesday through CNN. In it he claimed that the approximate 12 million illegal aliens should be allowed to remain in the US rather than be sniffed out by a special police and then shoved onto rafts, set adrift and left to the whims of Poseidon; a plan endorsed by all of the other candidates.

Despite this picture Gingrich does not want to hunt immigrants.

After announcing this conviction a stunned silence fell on the audience, punctured only by Rick Perry singing the word ‘gaaaaaaaay’ in a low baritone and Rick Santorum shouting accusations that Gingrich was probably some kind of immigrant. The other candidates have taken up Santorum’s accusation and have demanded to see his birth certificate, stating that they will believe that Gingrich is probably a Spanish Hindu until he can prove otherwise.

Conservative- ad especially Conservative Tea Party- voters have prominently and vocally shown their bottomless thirst for cruelty in these debates. They cheered for Rick Perry’s triple digit death penalty spree and Michelle Bachmann’s plan to build an “ever shifting cube-prison where every room houses a new torment and the rooms themselves shift within the structure and also maybe time as well” for all Muslims to be held in.

The race has also seen an array of immigration plans such as building a large wall on America’s southern border, digging a moat and filling it with alligators, building two walls, building two walls and a moat full of alligators or just getting down to it and putting a minefield there to rival North Korea’s. In a Conservative race this frought with immigrant-slaughtering images and fantasies about walls that reach into the very heavens, Gingrich’s soft attitude is seen as a possible dealbreaker.

A Tea Party spokesman has said: “Gingrich has to understand just how much the right wing hates all of the mexicans that aren’t employed tending their gardens for a handfull of raisins per day. All of the other hispanics are fair game for roving death squads or sombrero-seeking ordinance. Both of those suggestions would have got a big cheer and a surge in the polls, really. Anything but this namby pamby reluctance to really fuck up them wetbacks. At this stage he might as just turn up to the next debate on a donkey, wearing a poncho, firing revolvers into the air”

“Gingrich is really going to have to pull out some brutal imagery if he’s going to stay ahead. Maybe if he puts an abortion doctor in a wicker man in the next debate. that would send a clear message. of course he can’t flip flop on the immigration thing now, but we need to see that he has the ability to crack skulls and make people suffer. That’s what we want in an elected leader. Nobody wants a pansy.”

Conservative voters are keen to see how Gingrich will reclaim a necessary aura of menace in upcoming debates

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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