American Schools Allowed to Label Pizza a ‘Vegetable’, Fudge Cake as ‘Exercise’

Washington DC: Congress has passed a bill that has classified pizza as a vegetable in a move that has shocked those who have previously mistakenly thought of baked dough, cheese and assorted meats as unhealthy. The Revised Agriculture Appropriations Bill which was proposed by a sarcastic french waiter, passed last week and is now public policy in a nation renowned for health cuisine and bacon that you can spray out of a can.

The Department of Agriculture's bill will reportedly have the largest effect in U.S schools where regulatory bodies will now be able recognize the nutritional value in deep dish stuffed crust peperoni slices and alter the lunch menus of public schools all through America to count these as 'vegetable servings'.

Practically the same exact thing.

The USDA’s bill, which initially called for a half-cup measure of tomato sauce per pizza to allow the re-characterization, was fought and finally repealed under claims that the resulting dish would be ‘too soggy’ and would ‘not have enough room for extra cheese, processed ham and maybe those little meatballs you get’. The new measure is roughly half of that but despite this the USDA claims that “you can still totally see it’.

American obesity has been a hot-button political issue, considering the contentious topic of health care and the rising number of medical problems related to poor diet. Thursday’s bill has been seen as a way of fighting this, requiring as it does a simple shift in how we perceive the nature of objects instead of any costly change of diet or the unpalatable prospect of not eating pizza all the time. Senator Regina Colt, a proponent of the bill claims: “This really has shown us the way. It’s time we changed our perceptions, stopped looking for the negatives and started looking for the positives. Sure, you could count the calories in a stick of butter but if you just look at it another way, that butter contains some water, doesn’t it? Precious, nutritious water. Aaah, refreshing.”

The bill is thought to have passed, in part, as a kind of taunt aimed at Jamie Oliver, the celebrity chef and sworn enemy of chubby pre-teens. Speaking in favour of the bill, one congressperson held up a picture of the chef and declared: “This wonk-mouthed limey comes over here and thinks he can tell us what’s good for our kids? I say we show ‘im how we do it in America. We can decide what’s good for our Kids. Hell, I say we can pretty much decide what’s good. We’ll make it law that says pizza is good for us!”

Senator Colt, reacting to criticism of the sanctioned practice of re-labelling things as their opposite says: “Only time will tell. But if we’re still suffering an obesity epidemic in years to come- which I doubt- then we’ll have to look for answers elsewhere because it can’t be the schools: all they’re serving is portions of vegetables, fruit, ‘matter’, ‘carbon-based energy stuffs’ and ‘assorted necessary chemicals’. All good stuff.”

“It’s a real Damascus moment. Say, doesn’t chewing burn energy? You’re moving muscles, right? Well that turns lunch into nutrition/gym class. To think all this time I’ve been seeing that fudge cake as an indulgence and not a workout. It practically burns itself off!”

Detractors who claim that tomatoes are technically fruit, not vegetables, have been ignored for ‘being dicks’.

Felix Prenderghast,

Senior Features Correspondent