Sunday, 20 November 2011

Conservatives Try To Fight Natural Urge to Steal Milk From Children

A Government Spokesperson for the Department of Health has stated that the Nursery Milk Scheme will be unaffected by the latest round of severe budget cuts “no matter how tempting it is to deny those chillllldren the sweet, sweet milk.”

The scheme allows all children under five in approved daycare facilities to recieve 189ml (3/4 pint) of milk every day absolutely free of charge.Chancellor George Osborne assured us that cutting the scheme was out of the question, “I love giving things away. Especially to those who can’t possibly pay this current government back. It has to be done and I wouldn’t dream of creasing those little faces up in sadness as I took away the precious milk they think they’re entitled to. Oh nooooo! Perish the thought!”

A freeloader drinking taxpayer money, with the support of the Government

The Nursery Milk Scheme dates back to the 1940s where it was implemented to guard pregnant women and the young children against wartime food shortages. Even though a Conservative Government in the 1980s led by Margaret Thatcher famously ‘snatched’ milk from school children, David Cameron claims the party has changed: “We have moved on. Like a predator that evolves to blend in with its prey. We would never openly announce how the sight of those tiny worms sucking down my milk ignites an eternal, elemental fury. because it doesn’t. We’ve got Lib Dems now and everything”

The current scheme has schools purchase milk and then reclaim that expense from the government, marching up to those in power- many of whom used to belong to the Bullingdon club- and demanding money as if they owned it.

The government says that it costs £53 million a year, with approximately £10 million of that being overcharging through middlemen that can be negated without having to simply do what feels natural and have a chariot loaded with cloaked stormtroopers claw the little plastic cups from toddler hands and fling the wholesome white drink into an open drain while cackling and sending pictures of weeping youngsters to Margaret Thatcher in the hopes that their misery will somehow extend her twisted life.

Francis Maude, MP, claimed, “We mussst be sssatisssfied with all we have achieved sssso far. Toriesss are in power again, the unionsss are in turmoil, the financial sssyssstem is aflame. All is as it wassss. The circle is nearly complete. To have thissss, to take their milk, no, it would be too perfect. Too delicioussss. We musssn’t be distracted. Not this clossse to the birth of the unspeakable one, he awakens, krōvalðla frakëox! Praise be to him!” Maude then took the form of the raven and took wing, letting out a nightmarish cry as he soared into a night sky suddenly as chilly as the grave.

Though under review, the Government have promised not to cut the program. Cameron says; “Drink up, children. Drink it all up while you can with my blessssing. Blah-hah-hah!”

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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