Sunday, 20 November 2011

Pentagon Defends tests of Hypersonic Weapon “because it’s totally rad”

The Pentagon have successfully test fired a new long range hypersonic weapon which can travel at five times the speed of sound and is said to be “totally metal”. According to a pentagon spokesman, the missile, fired from Hawaii reached its target 2,300 miles away in a Pacific atoll of Kwajalein where it reportedly detonated in this really huge explosion “Even bigger than that one bit in the Expendables. It was nuts”

The Advanced Hypersonic Weapon is part of a new US initiative to build high-speed long-range missiles that can strike anywhere around the world “as swiftly and powerfully as Zeus’s wrath”. But the successful detonation of this first missile has drawn criticism from several groups within America who oppose further weapons development and anything else awesome.

The hypersonic missile looking totally kick-ass

“The world stage is fragmented enough as it is without the US flexing its muscles. In drawing out of Afghanistan and negotiating with the unstable power of North Korea a symbolic dismantling of arms would surely be more helpful than this display” said Daniel Kitholn, the leader of the disarmament lobby, who many describe as a weedy man with John Lennon glasses and small balls.

The Pentagon have brushed aside this criticism as ‘pansy-ish’ and warned protesters that they are standing in the way of technological progress and “people who now have hypersonic death missiles that can kill you as easy as breathing. Just sayin’”

Despite the success of the first test fire the Pentagon have said that the weapon system has a way to go before it is ready for large scale deployment. Though design specifications are kept secret the three stage booster system is thought to be undergoing changes to possibly exceed the top speed of mach 5 while the development team are attempting to think up a more suitable name for the missile system; possibly one that re-arranges the words to make a cool acronym like H.A.W.X or B.L.A.D.E.

“It’s a testament to the technicians behind this weapon. The speed and accuracy is truly unmatched but we do feel that it can be improved. While it is accurate t within ten meters and flies over 3,700 mph we are trying to achieve a system that can hit moving as well as stationary targets. Like, if it can take out a fighter plane or a runaway train with a bomb on board and the bomb’s about to go off, or like if we can use our missile to shoot other missiles out of the air. That would rock so hard, seriously”

The second stage of development of the hypersonic missile system begins early next year.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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