Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Prostitute Loving Movie Star Somehow Becomes Moral Crusader. Experts Baffled.

The ongoing Leveson enquiry into the phone hacking scandal continues to make a hero out of that stammering toff from Love Actually, to the incredulity of millions.

Hugh Grant, whose tireless campaign against clandestine and illegal practices lead to the closure of the News of the World and which now threatens The Mail on Sunday, is apparently that same guy we all hated when he clumsily romanced Julia Roberts in Notting Hill and not some investigative reporter with the same name. I know!

Yeah: this guy.

Since his breakout role in Four Weddings and a Funeral through to that lazy looking pish Did You Hear About The Morgans, Grant has been able to draw instinctual and immediate animal hatred from all men every time he stammers on screen to kiss Andy MacDowell in the rain. However in the light of these new findings the privately educated millionaire and film star might actually be considered a force for good in a story that even CERN physicists are calling “a bit hard to really comprehend”.

From turning the tables on haunted scarecrow and former NoTW journalist Paul McLullan by secretly recording brazen admissions of illegal information gathering to weathering an array venomous articles from the Daily Mail Grant seems to be on a mission to make the public forget about that time he danced about to The Pointer Sisters while pretending to be Prime Minister.

The actor, who notoriously rented a prostitute to fellate him while being married to Elizabeth Hurley, has become one of the main players in the phone hacking scandal alongside The Guardian, Conservative MP Louise Mensch, Labour’s Tom Watson and other people you’d expect to be doing stuff like this because it’s kind of their job.

This guy. THIS fucking guy.

Grant’s testimony yesterday was said to have been serious and thoughtful, bringing focus repeatedly back to the tampering of Millie Dowler’s bereaved family’s voicemail messages, and delivering a denunciation on tabloid intrusion into the lives of public figures. Although at the time the enquiry panel were seen to be distracted and introspective, some intermittently vocalizing wonder at the whole thing. Louise Mensch was heard to mutter into her microphone: “This is what has become of this country. Hugh Grant. Our moral compass. Jesus”

The Leveson Enquiry today took the testimony of Alan bloody Partridge; another television personality who has risked massive media blowback to bring more exposure to the ongoing criminal investigation. Meanwhile a separate enquiry is being launched into the Leveson enquiry just to make absolutely sure it’s not some kind of British rom-com that’s being filmed and all this is some massive misunderstanding.

The Leveson enquiry continues tomorrow when Jim Carrey will give damning evidence against Rupert Murdoch and Dame Judi Dench will put the system on trial. Probably.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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