Monday, 21 November 2011

Iron Maiden Airline in Administration Despite Being Iron Maiden Airline

Astraeus Airlines, the Sussex based airline that boasts Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson as both its pilot and marketing director has hit financial trouble despite being the hardest rocking, most metal airline in the world.

The airline, founded in 2002 had a strong opening few years largely through the leasing of aeroplanes to other carriers and the fact that the guy who wrote, sang and performed Number of The Beast (not to mention getting it to number one in the charts in 1982) would be the one firing you through the sky to anywhere around the world. He would even have to do the announcements at the start and end. Apparently people were not privy to this.

Some people did not want to be flown by this man

“It’s a sad sign that the economy really is hitting British industry hard” says Astreaus spokesman Jane Willowson who had no part in The Matter of Life and Death tour, “Astraeus had a good business model, solid investments and, oh yeah, I almost forgot the metal god whose falsetto you can hear all the way through my own personal favourite album Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. Though I’d have to say that for sheer riffage I’d go with No Prayer for the Dying. But then again...actually, I’ll just make you a mix CD .”

Though rumours around the flailing airline firm have indicated that bankruptcy was looming many of the staff remained optimistic right till the end. “I mean, we all thought we might have been in trouble, but we all kinda thought that at worst they might just get Blaze Bayley in for a few years while Bruce went off to do his own thing. Bit of a shake up. Blaze might take us in a new direction for a while that while critically interesting, would leave most of our passengers cold.”

Dickinson himself claims that he regrets many missed opportunities that may have saved the airline. “Maybe I should have had Eddie painted on the outside of the planes. Maybe I could have let off some cannons on departure. Something. I guess I was naive to think that people would choose us just because they could be flown around by the lead singer of Iron Maiden. Maybe our competitor's more comfortable seating, quicker flight times and total lack of heavy metal legends finally won the day. Ho hum. Back to stadium gigs for this fly-boy.

Astraeus is not the first time that musicians have had trouble in the transportation industry. Shock rocker Alice Cooper’s minicab chain famously went under in the late nineties and Leonard Cohen’s pedalo emporium nearly bankrupted the crooner during the unseasonable freeze of 1982.

It is unknown whether Dickinson will seek an entry level position with British Airways or begin a nationwide tour with his trademark mixture of pyrotechnic laden shows and narrative-heavy metal.

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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