Friday, 25 November 2011

Kelly Rowland Steps Down as Dance Commander

Kelly Rowland confirmed speculation today by issuing a press release stating that she would be resigning from the post of Dance Commander. “It is with great regret that I must resign my commission” said the 30 year old singer.

It is thought that the twin responsibilities of judging the X Factor and overseeing and legislating all British rhythmic movement proved too much for the American Rn’B star, forcing her to choose between the two careers. “It is with a heavy heart, but also some fantastic memories that I step down from this most hallowed and historic of positions” claimed Rowland.

Rowland in the uniform of the Dance Commander

Rowland, who had held the position for just over a year, stormed into the job with refreshing boldness and braggadocio, claiming in her inaugural address that “baby there’s no other who do it like I do” and that, “No fear, no doubt, I’ll provide the answer”. However, today those promises of continual funk supervision and dancefloor leadership were ended, proving too much for the Houston native to handle.

Taking over from Roy Hattersley in 2010 following the former Dance Commander’s career ending hip operation, Rowland was said to have big shoes to fill since Lord Hattersley had successfully overseen UK dance for eighteen years, weathering brit pop, a resurgence of 80s electro and a brief disco revival with the stoicism and steely resolve of a vetran.

Rowland’s campaign, with boogie secretary David Guetta, was seen as a necessary breath of fresh air since the ex-Destiny’s Child singer would be the first black woman to hold the position. However, despite a flurry of techno laws and a new dancefloor standards and practices document being drafted within her first three months in office, Rowland’s performance was seen to drop off rapidly once she got the job of judging people next to David Hasselhoff.

Ashcroft shoulders a “lofty burden”

After a vote in the House of Lords, Michael Ashcroft has been elected as the new Dance Commander, accepting the post and ceremonial glowstick, Ashcroft stated that he hoped to bring “stability to the role, with all respect to my right honourable predeccesor, I hope to have staying power. I may not be as knowledgeable about grime, i may not be as fresh, but I believe I can serve my country in this time of dance turmoil.”

Rowland has wished Ashcroft all the best and told reporters that she knows he will be a “stellar Dance Commander.”

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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