Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Technology Reaches Perfection

All scientific and technological progress ceased today as it emerged that all human progress in the field had peaked with the recent release of a video game that can be controlled with piss.

British Company Captive media has developed the first truly ‘hands-free’, ‘urine-controlled’ games which have been unveiled in a few select toilets across England, though the proliferation of these systems is set to expand once the people at NASA and CERN sell all of their now defunct equipment and invest all of their available capital in the company.

Captive Media's urinal-based games console


The system works by using sensors to ascertain when targets placed on urinals are being struck by a stream and with how much force. Using this information they feed it into a game displayed on LCD screens at face level. And thus man’s unconscious dream of touching the face of god, of knowing true divine inspiration, of being finally sure what your purpose in the universe is- has now been reached.

“Since time immemorial, man has wanted to power things with his penis,” claims system designer Tom Hiddlebottom, “Since first there was snowfall and the inspired primordeal man who first wrote his name- or maybe drew a crude cartoon of a willy- the idea of competitive pissery has been rooted somewhere in our collective unconcious. Everything since then- helicopters, mousepads, telescopes, cillit bang- has all been a grasping toward this one perfect machine”

“No more will we have to suffer undistracted through those 30 second intervals in our day when we can do nothing stand mute and bored but as piss sallies forth from our privates.”

The games are said to not only defeat the long despised period of time where it was impossible to play videogames, it also is said to destroy any social pressure felt by relieving oneself at a public urinal. Hiddlebottom continued: “Before, we all might shuffle in, size up the person-to-pisshole placement and make an informed gamble on which position would keep us as far away from another man’s phallus as possible. But as often as not you’d find yourself squeezed in around the trough, trying to strain liquid through unresponsive glands while burly men on either side of you sized up your package. Probably.”

“Now that discomfort is a thing of the past. no one’s looking at anything but the leaderboard, and squeezing into a place is seen less as managing to worm your way next to the watering hole and more like finally making it to the game’s table. Now it’s your shot.

“Even the stump-cocked can be a hero of legend if his stream is powerful and his aim is true.”

An unprecedented influx of money has hit Captive Media, coming from every corner of the globe, while the creative headquarters has expanded to fill 422 working laboratories, quickly converted as soon as any man heard about it. Development of a piss powered Mario Kart, call of Duty, tetris, Spyro the Dragon and many more are currently in development everywhere.

Hiddlebottom concluded; “ for those worrying about flying cars or a cure for cancer or whatever; don’t worry, there are still plenty of female scientists. So until they find the equivalent vagina-based entertainment hope for the future lies with them. now if you’ll excuse me, i have to spend a penny.”

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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