Monday, 28 November 2011

Piers Morgan Spawns

Following reports of livestock birthing litters of two headed snakes and the rare astronomical spectacle of a blood coloured full moon, a cause for these and other unrests are thought to have been found. Piers Morgan has brought forth a child of his loins

Morgan has already amassed three other apprentices through other vessels but this newest baby is the first with his newest thrall, Celia Walden- Novelist, daughter of Conservative MP George Walden and incubator for the unclean. The pair have been married for a year.

Morgan and Walden: proud parents of Abaddon the Unclean

Morgan, 46, tweeted about the birth as soon as the ceremony held on Stonehenge at midnight was over. “I have created Another. I will name her Abaddon. She carries my blood. Pay your tributes or know pain. :)” following this tweet a number of Morgan’s close personal friends and hordes of the fearful congratulated the happy couple over the social networking site, many forwarding images of blood sacrifices that they paid as soon as they heard the news.

The birth of the child was arranged far in advance, with Morgan wishing to have the child born in a place of “spiritual significance”. The unusual outdoor birth was, however attended to by a host of specialist private doctors, nurses and several dozen jackals that emerged, unbidden from the night.

Morgan recently quit his talent show judging career to concentrate on the interview show he has on American network CNN. When asked whether the new child would tear him away from this already hectic schedule Morgan denied that it would. “The child will be of no concern to me until she comes of age. I will send her from my sight. She will be trained in the Arts and when the Time of Wolves is at hand she will return to me and sit at my side.”

Young Abaddon joins a large family of three other children from a previous marriage: Rah, 11, Quixacolz, 18 and Spencer, 18. Even though she’s the youngest, Piers insists that he’ll not be playing favourites: “She is the fourth. As has been told, she will be the child with the gift of sight into the Other Place. All have their uses.”

In unrelated news the satirist and editor of Private Eye Ian Hislop was found dead this morning in a church near his house. The Have I Got News for You captain was found impaled on a decorative crucifix that fell on him from above

Felix Prenderghast,
Senior Features Correspondent

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